limits that follow a few key guidelines:
- The child is expected to willingly pick one of the choices, not
given two choices that are both unappealing. - The parent can live with whatever choice is picked.
- If the choice is refused, the parent can lovingly take his or her turn
at choosing a response that is enforceable. (Don’t rush into this.
Enforceable responses sometimes take thought: “Hmmm . . . That
response drains my energy. I’ll get back to you on this.”)
Using “taking care of yourself” as an excuse for selfishness.
Selfishness; selflessness; self-centered; centered with self. These can be
confusing terms with many nuances. And when parents come from
difficult backgrounds, the important differences can be lost. For instance,
it’s considered good to be selfless, but to have no sense of self is bad. It’s
good to be centered in yourself, but to be self-centered is bad.
The reason this issue is important is because Love and Logic stresses
the importance of parents taking good care of themselves to set the model
for their children. If parents take good care of themselves, then children
have a good chance of growing up to be adults who take good care of
themselves. When parents always put the children first, they risk putting
themselves last and raising entitled, demanding children (better known as
spoiled brats).
Love and Logic parents need to put themselves first in a “centered in
self” way that is not selfish but insists on a win-win relationship.
Toddlers don’t naturally put their parents first — they’re not supposed to.
So parents must teach children, in the second year of life, “I love you so
much. First I win, and then look how well it works out for you! When I’m
happy, you are happy too.”
During adolescence, children who haven’t learned the win-win
message at two or thereafter often carefully manipulate rebellious win-
lose situations with their parents. These generally deteriorate into lose-
lose propositions that are upsetting for everyone. Therefore, when living
with adolescents, Love and Logic parents insist on respect. They take