She doesn’t feel that she has any limits at all, and I can see why.
Every time she misbehaves, you’re there to excuse it away and turn
me into the bad guy for trying to hold her accountable for her
actions.”Here we see two divorced parents embroiled in a classic struggle. It
could be competition for Nicole’s love on Dan’s part, but it probably goes
deeper than that. Dan is a caring man who doesn’t like conflict. He lives
to make sure that his daughter is always happy. Playing the role of the
good guy is easy for him. It fits right into his lifelong pattern of conflict
avoidance. It also helps him deal with his fear of losing Nicole to her
mother.
Jen, on the other hand, is left with helping their daughter grow into a
mature, responsible person. She knows that this can happen only if she
sets limits and holds Nicole accountable for her actions, but this is
difficult for her, as it often puts her in the role of the bad guy. In spite of
this dilemma, she tries to hold the line with Nicole even in the face of
unintentional, but very damaging, acts of sabotage by her ex-husband.
Both Jen and Dan are making several mistakes that continue to lock all
three into a vicious cycle: Nicole misbehaves, Jen punishes, and Dan
overturns the punishment.
Dan’s Mistakes: Dan is willing to sacrifice Nicole’s long-term
happiness and quality of life in exchange for her short-term happiness. He
fears the loss of Nicole’s love and lives with the mistaken idea that she
will appreciate and respect him in the role of her protector. Overturning
his ex-wife’s discipline also gives him a chance to make Mom look bad.
He doesn’t realize that Nicole may eventually view him with contempt
for sabotaging her relationship with Mom.
Jen’s Mistakes: Jen holds on to a fantasy that she and Dan are a team.
If she couldn’t get him to cooperate when they were married, what are the
chances that this will happen after they’ve lived through the pain of
divorce? Even though it’s unlikely that Dan will suddenly change his tune
and begin to back Jen’s discipline, she holds on to the hope that he will.