PEARL 26

Lying and Dishonesty

Most children, from kindergarten through about the second grade, go

through a lying stage. They may be very unskilled with their fibbing, or
they may be as clever as the Jim Carrey character in Liar Liar before his
son’s wish, but they’re lying all the same.
Dishonesty can turn parents purple with frustration. After all, who
wants to raise kids with integrity problems? But we are often at a distinct
disadvantage because, frankly, we don’t know if they’re telling the truth
or not! If we catch them in the act, that’s one thing. But if we merely
suspect fibbing, all of our investigative questioning, done when our kids
might be telling the truth, may breed a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s been
said that if we wrongly accuse our kids twice for the same thing, they’ll
set out to prove us right. You can almost hear them say with a sigh, “You
think I do it anyway, so I might as well do it.” That does not mean,
however, that we can’t discuss lying with our children. Some healthy
doubt is okay.
When talking to our kids about a suspected lie, make sure they’re
doing the thinking. One effective technique goes like this: “Do you think
I believe you right now, or do you think I don’t believe you?” If our kids
respond with, “But I’m telling the truth,” we should resist taking an
accusatory tone. Calling children liars is like throwing a grenade at a
squad of Green Berets. Kids will fight back — insisting they’re telling
the truth — simply to protect themselves.
If we think a child is lying, it’s better to say, “If it’s the truth and I
don’t believe you, then that’s sad for both of us. But if it’s a lie and I