Parenting With Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

don’t believe you, then it’s doubly sad for you.” First, the child is telling
a lie, and second, he or she is around people who don’t believe him or
her.
Many parents run scared from saying, “I don’t believe you,” to their
kids. They fear that saying it will somehow destroy their bond of mutual
trust. But the phrase is useful. Kids don’t have a comeback to it — they
can only defend their honesty. We’re not calling them liars; we’re simply
stating that we don’t believe them. That makes them do the thinking.
However, if we know our child is lying — if we’ve caught him or her
in the act — then the game is over. We say, “Caleb, you did hit Bryce in
the face. No matter what you say, I saw you do it. Now how are you going
to make it right?” The act has occurred; the child is guilty. The only
question is, what is the child going to do about it?
Generally, honesty is conveyed to our kids through our actions, not our
commands. We need to step back and analyze the model we are
presenting to our kids. Do we ever ask our kids to lie for us? Have we
ever whispered to our children, “I’m not home,” when somebody we
don’t want to talk to calls on the phone? Do our kids ever see one parent
call in sick for the other parent just because Dad or Mom doesn’t want to
go to work that day? Have we made up lame excuses (translation: lies) to
get out of social or church obligations? These things may be little, true,
but they have more impact on our kids than all the lectures about honesty
we could ever deliver.
When kids do tell the truth, Love and Logic parents respond with
support. We must say, “Thank you for being honest. I’m sure it was hard
for you to tell me that. I bet it was hard on you to know you made that
mistake. That is really sad.” Then we drop the issue.
Too many parents tell their kids, “It’s better for you if you tell the
truth,” and then they punish their kids for what they did wrong. Such a
statement might be true in the long run, but most kids see life through
short-run eyes. If they are grounded for a month as punishment for a
“crime,” it is clearly not better for them to tell the truth the next time.
It’s best to be more sad for our kids than angry. The consequences will