PEARL 27

Nasty Looks and

Negative Body Language

“Every time I ask Kate to do something, or even sometimes when I

want to talk to her, it happens,” one mom said. “She slumps her shoulders
and kind of tilts her head a little. Then she gives me a withering look that
says, ‘Get real, Mother.’ It really inflames me, and I don’t know what to
do about it.”
Negative body language: those irritating little shows of displeasure our
children throw at us whenever we ask them to do something they don’t
want to do or talk about something they don’t want to talk about. The
rolling of the eyes, the look of disgust, the stomping off, the slamming of
doors — these nonverbal messages say something, that much we know.
Our question as parents is, What?
Most parents believe their children are copping an attitude on them —
a bad attitude — but what does Kate really mean when she fires that icy
glare at her mom? Is she disappointed, or angry at herself, or trying to say
that Mom’s unfair, or saying that she feels hurt or let down or criticized?
Kate’s mom doesn’t know for sure, and oftentimes neither do we.
The best response is to say what we have to say, and then walk away.
Negative body language is not a problem for us if we don’t acknowledge
it. But if it continues, we may want to deal with it, and that means
thinking of our own behavior. What did we do or say the instant before
our child shot his or her eyes toward the sky? Did we criticize our child?
Is he or she merely responding to that criticism? Kids are like adults
when it comes to taking criticism: They react to it, often in a negative