way. When emotions have cooled and both we and our children are
reasonably happy, we can attempt to get at the root of the problem.
MOM: “Hey, Kate, is this a good time to talk?”
KATE: “Yeah, I guess so.”
MOM: “I’ve noticed that sometimes when I say something to you,
you give me a certain look, and I have a hard time understanding
what that really means. You know, some kids do that because they
don’t feel it’s safe to say that they’re hurt or disappointed. Some
kids do that because they’re unhappy. Other kids do it because they
hate their mom and wish she would shut up. Do you have any
thoughts on that?”
KATE: “No.”
MOM: “Well, why don’t you give it some thought? One thing I’m
thinking is that maybe I’m doing something to make you feel bad or
criticize you or something. If you feel up to telling me something
about that, I’d sure be a good listener.”Then Mom should drop the issue and see what happens.
Pouting is another nonverbal sign of displeasure. Kids use it to beg
their parents to talk to them. Once we have taken the bait by either asking
what is wrong or telling them to get rid of that look, we are doomed. The
children now have us as a captive audience. It is often effective to say,
“Well, it looks like things are not going well for you right now. When
you get yourself to the point of putting your thoughts into words, come
and talk to me. I’ll be glad to listen.” Then break eye contact and move
on.
If the negative body language is such a constant that we can
successfully predict when it will happen, we might preface our remarks to
our child with a comment like, “Hey, Kate, I have something I want to
share with you. Now, when I get through, you may want to melt me with
that laser look you’re so good at, so get it ready.” It’s hard for kids to do
something we have given them permission to do; they don’t feel as if
they’re in control.