CALVIN: “I don’t have to listen to you. Shut up!”
SUZANNE: “You know, Calvin, no one can make you listen. And I
think right now we’re having a hard time listening to each other. So
why don’t you go someplace else for a while?”
CALVIN: “I don’t have to go someplace else. This is my house, too,
you know. I live here. Besides, you never listen to me.”
SUZANNE: “Calvin, I’ll be glad to listen when you’ve calmed
down. But I think you’d be a lot happier if you went someplace else
for now.”
CALVIN: “You never listen to a word I say!”
SUZANNE: “I think you’d be a lot happier if you went someplace
else.”
CALVIN: “It’s not fair!”
SUZANNE: “Sorry you see it that way, but I think you’d be a lot
happier if you went someplace else.”With sassy kids, use the broken-record routine. Getting them away
from you until calmness sets in is the primary mission. But don’t forget
that discussion you promised. When tempers have cooled and words can
be spoken without a flush of color coming to anybody’s face, try to
discover the child’s reason for being disrespectful.
At that point, it is useful to say, “I notice that you often have words for
me when I ask you to do things. I wonder if I’m hearing it the same way
you mean it. I’m confused about what you’re trying to tell me. Are you
trying to tell me that you’re embarrassed, or that you feel put down, or
that you want to be the boss, or that you hate me, or that you just don’t
know a better way to answer, or what?” This usually leads to a discussion.
It is absolutely essential that you listen without being defensive or
judgmental. (Be ready to part ways again if you feel the emotions rising.)
After the discussion, say, “Thanks for sharing.” This will keep them
thinking about their response rather than yours and help them find better
words for disagreements in the future.