PEARL 38

Stealing

Of all the problems that surface with our kids, nothing affects our

emotions quite as much as their stealing. The right of property holds a
high place in our moral hierarchy. We want our kids to respect what is
theirs and keep their hands off what isn’t. But some children do steal.
Usually our kids’ stealing cannot be cured by a direct frontal assault on
the stealing itself. Instead, it has to be handled by understanding and
reckoning with the underlying feelings that led to the act in the first
place.
Fortunately, as with lying, early stealing — that is, between the ages of
four and six — is almost always simply a childhood phase. If we handle it
matter-of-factly, without too much anger, invariably most children
quickly outgrow the stealing phase. An emotional response from us,
however, usually makes matters worse because kids get defensive and
fight for control. Let’s look at the two approaches in action.
Four-year-old Sophie lifts an earring from her mom’s jewelry box.
Mom finds out and shrieks, “Sophie, did you take this earring? Don’t just
look at me — answer me! I told you not to get into my jewelry box. This
really makes me mad. You put it back right now, and don’t you ever do
that again!” Without realizing it, by vibrating so much emotion, this
mom is teaching Sophie to continue her stealing. The child will start
going out of her way to upset Mom. Stealing becomes kind of exciting for
Sophie — a lot of noise and no consequences.
A better way of handling the incident would have been for the mom to
say, “Sophie, honey, Mommy doesn’t like it when you take her earring.