FIGHTING WORDS: “Be nice to each other. Quit fighting.”
THINKING WORDS: “You guys are welcome to come back as
soon as you work that out.”Child won’t do his chores.
FIGHTING WORDS: “I want that lawn cut now!”
THINKING WORDS: ‘‘I’ll take you to your soccer game as
soon as the lawn is cut.”Love and Logic parents insist on respect and obedience, just as
command-oriented parents do. But when Love and Logic parents talk to
their children, they take a different approach. Instead of the fighting
words of command-oriented parents, they use thinking words.
Thinking words — used in question form and expressed in enforceable
statements — are one of the keys to parenting with Love and Logic. They
place the responsibility for thinking and decision making on the children.
They help kids do exactly what we want them to do — think — as much
as possible.
Children learn better from what they tell themselves than from what
we tell them. They may do what we order them to do, but their motivation
for obedience comes from a voice other than their own: ours. Kids
believe something that comes from inside their own heads. When they
choose an option, they do the thinking, they make the choice, and the
lesson sticks. That’s why, from early childhood on, parents must always
be asking thinking questions:
• “Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?”
• “Would you rather put your boots on now or in the car?”
• “Would you rather play nicely in front of the television or be
noisy in your room?”We don’t use fighting words:• “You put that coat on now!”