his little lungs are. Or they could say, “Lukas, would you like to
eat nicely in the chair, or would you like to play on the floor?”
Notice that the parents do not ask Lukas to “play nicely” on the
floor. We can’t make a child play nicely on the floor, but we
can help him to eat nicely. One thing is under our control; the
other is not.
Fighting words, or enforceable, thinking words. With
fighting words, Mom and Dad have done all of the thinking, and
the meal is chaos. With the thinking words, they let Lukas do
some thinking, and order is restored. The parents have shown
Lukas how they make themselves happy by taking care of
themselves, and Lukas can decide about his own happiness.
If Lukas chooses the floor, he may learn soon enough that it’s
a long, hunger-filled time until breakfast. Naturally, when
providing such options as waiting until breakfast, the average
child will make the rest of the night as miserable as possible.
Older children will whine that they are hungry, and younger
children will keep parents up with wails of unhappiness. Wise
parents show compassion, stick to their guns, and show
minimal frustration in spite of the child’s best attempt to
provoke it.
On the other hand, after an hour or so, Lukas may have
already learned his lesson and be ready to sit and eat nicely.
However it’s handled, the child needs to learn what all happy
adults know: “If you are very difficult to be around, there’s a
chance it will be harder to get food in life!” All this is
accomplished with no anger, threats, or fighting words.
Too bad about the Christmas tie.Passive-Aggressive Behavior
When children are commanded to do something they don’t like, they
often respond with passive-aggressive behavior. Kids know they must
comply with the order or else reap punishment. They channel their anger