control in some area of life is reduced, we also react with anger. We feel
that what is rightfully ours has been stripped away.
The Right Dose of Control
What, then, is the right amount of control to give children? Psychologist
Sylvia B. Rimm, PhD, says people of all ages compare the amount of
control they have in a relationship to only the amount of control they
used to have — not to the amount they feel they should have. When more
control is allotted with time, people are satisfied; when control is cut
back, people are angry. Thus, children who grow up with parents who
dole out control in increasing amounts are usually satisfied with the level
of control. It’s always more than it used to be.^5
Rimm’s analysis is called the “V” of love. The sides of the “V”
represent firm limits within which the child may make decisions and live
with the consequences. The bottom of the “V” represents birth, while the
top represents the time when the child leaves home for adult life.
In the “V” of love, we offer more and more freedom as the years go by.
Unfortunately, many parents do the opposite (the inverted “V”). They
grant many privileges when the children are young and then take control
away from their kids as they grow older. The result is unhappy children.
When kids are very little, Love and Logic parents will give away
control in certain areas. While giving the tyke a bath, the Love and Logic
dad will say, “Do you want to get out of the tub now, or do you want to
stay in a few more minutes?” Dad doesn’t need that control. Or at the
table, Mom might say, “Have you had enough milk, or would you like
some more?” Mom gives that control to the child. Thus, toddlers make
decisions about things like chocolate or white milk, ten-year-olds decide
how to spend their allowances, and seventeen-year-olds make decisions
on nearly every aspect of their lives. The children gain more control over
their lives as time goes on.