really think that it’s wise to refuse when I ask in a nice way?
Personally, I don’t think that’s a wise decision. We’ll talk about that
later.” (The teacher walks away, and Megan remains where she is,
provided she does not create a disturbance.)Because Megan was not ordered to move, she has already complied
with the teacher’s request. She was not told to move, only to consider
moving. Nobody has lost a battle at this point. The other students are not
aware of the problem, and the teacher’s authority has not been challenged
in front of the group. Megan’s teacher now has the time to figure out how
to deal with Megan’s lack of cooperation. If discipline is necessary, it can
be done in private.
Applying This Technique to Parenting
How many parents do you know who set themselves up for the same kind
of battles by barking orders that may not be enforceable at the time? This
can lead to deadly results. Children who recognize that they can defy
their parents become increasingly insecure and prone to test limits. Each
time a parental request can be ignored or defied, the authority of the
parent is reduced in the eyes of the children. It does not take long before
these kids think, I don’t have to do anything my parent says.
It is important to remember that Love and Logic parents are not
permissive. Even though they treat their children with dignity and seldom
bark orders, they expect that their wishes and requests will be honored.
Their children believe in the old saying “Your wish is my command.”
Children who live in Love and Logic homes have learned through
experience that everybody wins when they are cooperative. Now, have
these kids ever tested authority? Sure they have. How else did they learn
that defiance doesn’t pay?
Just like the teacher in the second scenario, parents can set themselves
up to be winners as authority figures by using some of the following
“Thinking Word Requests” instead of “Fighting Word Demands”:
FIGHTING WORD DEMAND: “Take out the trash, and do it now!”