What if you are concerned about just one of your children and not the
whole family? When are you supposed to talk? Imagine you have
become concerned about the way that your eight-year-old son has
been treating his friends when they come over to play. Two things
bother you: (1) he makes fun of the other boys, and (2) he will only
play what he wants to play and will not listen to any suggestions.
What do you do? You make an appointment with your son and
calmly and briefly tell him what you are worried about. For example,
“I’m concerned about how you’ve been playing with Mark and Kyle.
Let’s get together some time and talk about it.” Then you get
together, just the two of you, and follow the family meeting format
described earlier in this chapter.
- Describe the problem. Be brief—no nagging or lecturing. “I’m
concerned about you making fun of your friends and not letting
them do what they want to do when they’re at our house.” - Ask your son for his opinion of the situation. “What do you
think about this?” Do your best sympathetic listening. - Generate some solutions. “What can we do about this, and
how can I help out?” Wait for your child to come up with ideas
first. If he can’t or he refuses, then come up with your own. - Agree on something to try and be very specific.
You don’t need to enter the solution in the computer unless your
son wants to. Try out the ideas, praise cooperation, and fine-tune the
agreement in future meetings. Helpful hints: before the meeting make
sure you’re in a good mood; during the meeting make sure your
listening shoes are on; and after the summit try a little shared one-on-
one fun. Good luck!