The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically I

100 The Explosive Child

likely to put a solution on the table than a concern.
Your job? Make sure it’s the child’s concern that ulti-
mately makes it onto the table. If you don’t know what
the child’s concern is, you’ll need to find out, generally
by asking, “What’s up?” If he doesn’t know what his
concern is, you’ll have to take educated guesses (as dis-
cussed in detail in Chapter 8). Let’s practice again.

Child: I’m not taking my meds. (This isn’t a concern;

it’s a solution to a concern.)

Adult (Initial Empathy): You’re not taking your meds.

What’s up?

Child: It’s making me sick to my stomach. (Ah, now

we have a concern to put on the table, and a

good one at that.)

Adult (Refined Empathy): It’s making you sick to your

stomach.

Child: I’m not going with you to the movies. (Again,

a solution, not a concern.)

Adult (Initial Empathy): You’re not going with us to

the movies. What’s up?

Child: It might be too scary for me. (We wouldn’t

want to blow that concern off the table.)

Adult (Refined Empathy): You’re worried that the

movie might be too scary for you.