The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically I

Plan B 101

Child: I’m not doing my homework.

Adult (Initial Empathy): You’re not doing your

homework. What’s up?

Child: It’s too hard for me.

Adult (Refined Empathy): It’s too hard for you.

Along these lines, it’s a good idea to use low-risk empa-
thy rather than jump to conclusions about what the child
is trying to say. For example, if a child says, “I want pizza,”
low-risk empathy and clarifying would be, “You want
pizza. What’s up?” But a lot of people might respond to “I
want pizza” with “You must be hungry.” While the odds
are pretty good that you’re correct in making that assump-
tion, there exists the possibility that you’re wrong. For ex-
ample, the child may not be hungry; he may, for example,
be a black-and-white thinker who was promised pizza
earlier in the day. Why would this be a problem? Because
he may not have the wherewithal to correct you, in which
case your well-intentioned stab at empathy could actually
precipitate an explosion. Low-risk empathy is typically a
safer bet.
By the way, after about a week of reflective listening,
adolescents in particular are likely to ask, “Why are you
saying everything I just said?” or “You sound like a psy-
chologist.” If an adolescent (or child) objects to the re-
flective listening form of empathy, a simple “I hear ya”
will usually suffice instead.