118 The Explosive Childgiven the hand they’ve been dealt, their expectations for
their child are truly realistic; (2) think about whether
some expectations need to be eliminated (at least for the
time being) to set the stage for the child to be more
“available” to discuss and resolve more pressing prob-
lems; and (3) begin responding to unmet expectations
using Plan B, given that Plan A hasn’t exactly gotten the
job done.
Many people also believe that the Plans are a rank-
ing system for expectations. Here’s how that sounds:
“So the stuff I really care about, that’s Plan A. And the
stuff I sort of care about, that’s Plan B. And the stuff I
don’t care about at all, that’s Plan C. Yes?” No. The
Plans are not a ranking system. Each Plan represents a
distinct way of responding to unmet expectations.
With Plan A, you’re imposing your will and greatly
heightening the likelihood of explosions. With Plan C,
you’re dropping the expectation completely, at least
temporarily. And with Plan B, you’re discussing and
working out solutions that are realistic, doable, and mu-
tually satisfactory.
Some folks have the misconception that Plan B is the
average of Plans A and C. Not so. Prior to learning about
Plan B, many parents thought they had only two op-
tions: impose their will (Plan A) or drop their expecta-
tions (Plan C). If you’re using only Plans A and C, then all
you’re really doing is picking your battles. But the combi-