The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically I

162 The Explosive Child

On the other hand, it can be productive to help par-

ents and children agree to go their separate ways—with

each going to different designated rooms of the house—

when it becomes obvious that a discussion is going poorly

or is not going to be resolved immediately. Not all explo-

sive children will follow through on this plan, but a sur-

prising number will. The discussion resumes after

everyone has calmed down and had a chance to think a

little.

But I still have the feeling that some of my child’s be-

havior is planned and willful. How do I tell the differ-

ence?

The last thing you’d want to try to do at times when
your child is becoming frustrated is to quickly try to fig-
ure out whether his behavior is planned or unplanned.
You don’t have a whole lot of time to spare, and it isn’t
easy to tell. So there are essentially two possible mistakes
you can make at such moments. The first is to think your
child’s behavior is unplanned and unintentional when it
really isn’t. The second is thinking your child’s behavior is
planned and intentional when it really isn’t. If you have
to make an error, make the first error. In other words,
when in doubt, respond as if your child’s behavior is
unplanned and unintentional. The ramifications of the
second error are much more serious.