Family Matters 217Hmmm. Eric may or may not actually be interested in
thinking about how to get his homework done earlier. Ei-
ther way, perfectionism (combined with Plan A) is not a
particularly effective way to engage him in a discussion
on the topic.
Other maladaptive communication patterns include:
sarcasm, which is either totally lost on explosive children
(especially the black-and-white thinking variety) or ex-
tremely frustrating to them because they don’t have the
skills to figure out that the parent meant the exact oppo-
site of what he or she actually said; put-downs (Parent:
“What’s the matter with you?! Why can’t you be more like
your sister?”); ruination, sometimes called “catastrophiz-
ing,” in which parents greatly exaggerate the effect of cur-
rent behavior on a child’s future well-being (Parent: “We’ve
resigned ourselves to the fact that Hector will probably end
up in jail someday”); interrupting (Don’t forget, the child is
probably having trouble sorting through his thoughts in
the first place—your interruptions don’t help); lecturing
(“How many times do I have to tell you...”); dwelling on
the past (“Listen, kid, your duck’s been upside down in
the water for a long time... you think I’m gonna get all
excited just because you’ve put together a few good
months?”); and talking through a third person (“I’m very up-
set about this, and your father is going to tell you why...
isn’t that right, dear?”). All very counterproductive.
Over time the goal is for you to be able to communi-
cate with your explosive child in a way that demonstrates