Family Matters 219Partners who are drained by their own difficulties often
have little left for a labor-intensive explosive child. Some-
times one partner feels exhausted and resentful about
being the primary parent because the other parent
spends a lot of time at work. Power struggles that may
occur between the adults often affect interactions with
the child. And sometimes stepparent issues can enter the
mix (Child: “Stay out of this! You’re not my real father!”
or Stepfather: “That kid was a problem before I arrived
on the scene...this is between him and his mother”).
These issues will need to be addressed, and sometimes
marital or family therapy is necessary.
Many parents feel very de-energized by their own
personal difficulties. Some parents are quite bitter about
having been dealt an explosive hand by the great deck
shuffler of children. For one mother, her son’s explosions
tapped into her own abusive childhood, and it was ex-
tremely difficult for her to get past her visceral reaction
to her son’s raised voice.
Mother: I’m not doing Plan A... I’m not going to do
to him what my parents did to me.
Therapist: OK.
Mother: But I don’t want him walking all over me—
that’s what my parents did to me—so I’m not
doing Plan C.
Therapist: OK.