cover

and wanting more intimacy in our relationships but settling for less? Why?

Financial Responsibility

Some codependents become financially dependent on other people. Sometimes this is by agreement; for example, a wife
stays home and raises the children while the husband works and provides the money. Sometimes this is not by
agreement. Some codependents become so victimized that we believe we cannot take care of ourselves financially. Many
codependents were, at one time, financially responsible, but as alcoholism or

page_211

Page 212

another problem progressed in a loved one we simply became too upset to work. Some of us just gave up: "If you don't
care about the money, then neither do I."

Sometimes, codependents become financially responsible for other adults. I have frequently seen a codependent wife
work two or even three jobs, while her husband brings home not one pennyyet he continues to eat, watch television, and
live rent free.

Neither way is preferable. Each person is financially responsible for him- or herself as well as in all other ways. That
does not mean housewives have to work at paying jobs to be financially responsible. Homemaking is a job, a heroic and
admirable one. If that is what a man or woman chooses to do, then I believe that person is earning his or her share. Being
financially responsible also does not mean all things have to be equal. Assuming financial responsibility for oneself is an
attitude. It means figuring out exactly what our responsibilities are, then setting out to take care of those responsibilities.
It also means we alloweven insistother people be financially responsible for themselves. That includes becoming familiar
with all areas of one's finances and deciding which task belongs to which person. Which bills need to be paid? When?
When are taxes due? How much money has to last for how long? What's our part in all this? Are we doing less or more
than our appropriate share? If it is not our responsibility to hold a salaried job, do we at least understand we may
someday need to work? Do we feel financially responsible for ourselves? Or does this frighten us? Are the people around
us assuming appropriate financial responsibility for themselves, or are we doing it for them?

Taking care of money is part of life. Earning money, paying bills, and feeling financially responsible is part of taking
care of ourselves. Many codependents who have quit a job to control a spouse or who have otherwise centered their lives
around a person and neglected their own careers, have discovered even a low-paying, part-time job does wonders for
their self-esteem. We forgot we are worth money and someone will actually pay for our abilities. Many of us
codependents, who have been financially dependent on a spouse, also like the freedom of having our

page_212

Page 213

own money. It's called a good feeling. It's something to think about as we begin living our own lives.

Being financially dependent on a person can trigger emotional dependency. Emotional dependency on a person can
trigger financial dependency. 3 Becoming financially responsible for ourselveshowever we accomplish thatcan help
trigger undependence.

Forgiveness

Compulsive disorders such as alcoholism twist and distort many good things, including the great principle of forgiveness.
We repeatedly forgive the same people. We hear promises, we believe lies, and we try to forgive some more. Some of us
may have reached a point where we cannot forgive. Some of us may not want to, because to forgive would leave us
vulnerable to further hurt and we believe we cannot endure more pain. Forgiveness turns on us and becomes a painful
experience.

Some of us may be truly trying to forgive; some of us may think we have forgiven, but the hurt and anger just won't
disappear.