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Some of us can't keep up with the things we need to forgive; the problems are happening so fast we barely know what's
going on. Before we can register the hurt and say, "I forgive," another nasty thing has been dumped on us.

Then we feel guilty because someone asks, "Why can't you just forgive and forget?" People uninformed about the disease
of alcoholism and other compulsive disorders frequently ask that. For many of us, the problem is not forgetting.
Forgiving and forgetting feed our denial system. We need to think about, remember, understand, and make good
decisions about what we are forgiving, what can be forgotten, and what is still a problem. And forgiving someone does
not mean we have to let that person keep hurting us. An alcoholic doesn't need forgiveness; he or she needs treatment.
We don't need to forgive the alcoholic, at least not initially. We need to step back so he or she can't keep stomping on
our toes.

I am not suggesting we adopt an unforgiving attitude. We all need forgiveness. Grudges and anger hurt us; they don't
help the other person

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much either. Forgiveness is wonderful. It wipes the slate clean. It clears up guilt. It brings peace and harmony. It
acknowledges and accepts the humanness we all share, and it says, "That's okay. I love you anyway." But I believe we
codependents need to be gentle, loving, and forgiving with ourselves before we can expect to forgive others. But I
believe codependents need to think about how, why, and when we dole out forgiveness.

Also, forgiveness is closely tied into the acceptance or grief process. We cannot forgive someone for doing something if
we have not fully accepted what this person has done. It does little good to forgive an alcoholic for going on a binge, if
we have not yet accepted his or her disease of alcoholism. Ironically, the kind of forgiveness we often give to soothe an
alcoholic's "morning after" remorse may help him or her continue drinking.

Forgiveness comes in timein its own timeif we are striving to take care of ourselves. Don't let other people use this
principle against us. Don't let other people help us feel guilty because they think we should forgive someone, and we are
either not ready or believe forgiveness is not the appropriate solution. Take responsibility for forgiveness. We can dole
out forgiveness appropriately based on good decisions, high self-esteem, and knowledge of the problem we are working
on. Don't misuse forgiveness to justify hurting ourselves; don't misuse it to help other people continue hurting
themselves. We can work our program, live our own lives, and take the Fourth and Fifth Steps. If we are taking care of
us, we will understand what to forgive and when it's time to do that.

While we're at it, don't forget to forgive ourselves.

The Frog Syndrome

There is an anecdote circulating through codependency groups. It goes like this: "Did you hear about the woman who
kissed a frog? She was hoping it would turn into a prince. It didn't. She turned into a frog too."

Many codependents like to kiss frogs. We see so much good in them. Some of us even become chronically attracted to
frogs after kissing

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enough of them. Alcoholics and people with other compulsive disorders are attractive people. They radiate power,
energy, and charm. They promise the world. Never mind that they deliver pain, suffering, and anguish. The words they
say sound so good.

If we don't deal with our codependent characteristics, probabilities dictate we will continue to be attracted to and kiss
frogs. Even if we deal with our characteristics, we may still lean toward frogs, but we can learn not to jump into the pond
with them.

Fun