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Fun does not go hand in hand with codependency. It is difficult to have fun when we hate ourselves. It is difficult to
enjoy life when there is no money for groceries because the alcoholic has drunk it all up. It is almost impossible to have
fun when we are bottled up with repressed emotions, worried sick about someone, saturated with guilt and despair,
rigidly controlling ourselves or someone else, or worried about what other people are thinking about us. However, most
people aren't thinking about us; they're worried about themselves and what we think of them.

As codependents, we need to learn to play and enjoy ourselves. Arranging for and allowing ourselves to have fun is an
important part of taking care of ourselves. It helps us stay healthy. It helps us work better. It balances life. We deserve to
have fun. Fun is a normal part of being alive. Fun is taking time to celebrate being alive.

We can schedule fun into our routine. We can learn to recognize when we need to play and what kinds of things we
enjoy doing. If we don't do this, we can make "learning to have fun" an immediate goal. Start doing things just for
ourselves, just because we want to. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but after a while it'll feel better. It'll become fun.

We can let ourselves enjoy life. If we want something and can afford it, buy it. If we want to do something that is legal
and harmless, do it. When we're actually involved with doing something that is recreational, don't find ways to feel bad.
Let go and enjoy life. We can find things we

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enjoy doing, then let ourselves enjoy doing them. We can learn to relax and enjoy the things we do daily, not just the
recreational activities. Martyrdom can interfere with our ability to feel good long after the alcoholic has stopped helping
us feel miserable. Suffering can become habitual, but so can enjoying life and being good to ourselves. Try it.

Limits/Boundaries

Codependents, it has been said, have boundary problems. I agree. Most of us don't have boundaries.

Boundaries are limits that say: "This is how far I shall go. This is what I will or won't do for you. This is what I won't
tolerate from you."

Most of us began relationships with boundaries. We had certain expectations, and we entertained certain ideas about
what we would or wouldn't tolerate from those people. Alcoholism and other compulsive disorders laugh in the face of
limits. The diseases not only push on our boundaries, they step boldly across them. Each time the disease pushes or steps
across our limits we give in. We move our boundaries back, giving the disease more room to work. As the disease pushes
more, we give in more until we are tolerating things we said we would never tolerate and doing things we said we would
never do. 4 Later, this process of "increased tolerance" of inappropriate behaviors may reverse. We may become totally
intolerant of even the most human behaviors. In the beginning, we make excuses for a person's inappropriate behavior;
toward the end, there is no excuse.

Not only do many of us begin tolerating abnormal, unhealthy, and inappropriate behaviors, we take it one step further:
we convince ourselves these behaviors are normal and what we deserve. We may become so familiar with verbal abuse
and disrespectful treatment that we don't even recognize when these things are happening. But deep inside, an important
part of us knows. Our selves know and will tell us if we will listen. Sometimes living with subtle problems, such as a
nondrinking alcoholic who is not in any recovery program, can be harder on our selves than the more blatant problems.
We sense something is wrong. We start

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feeling crazy, but we can't understand why because we can't identify the problem.

Codependents need boundaries. We need to set limits on what we shall do to and for people. We need to set limits on
what we will allow people to do to and for us. The people we relate to need to know we have boundaries. It will help
them and us. I am not suggesting we become tyrants. I also advise against absolute inflexibility, but we can understand
our limits. As we grow and change, we may want to change our boundaries too. Here are some examples of boundaries