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common to codependents who are recovering:

· my life. I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.

· I will not knowingly believe or support lies.

· I will not allow chemical abuse in my home.

· I will not allow criminal behavior in my home.

· I will not rescue people from the consequences of their alcohol abuse or other irresponsible behavior.

· I will not finance a person's alcoholism or other irresponsible behavior.

· I will not lie to protect you or me from your alcoholism.

· I will not use my home as a detoxification center for recovering alcoholics.

· If you want to act crazy that's your business, but you can't do it in front of me. Either you leave or I'll walk away.

· You can spoil your fun, your day, your lifethat's your business but I won't let you spoil my fun, my day, or

Sometimes it is necessary to set a certain boundary that applies to a particular relationship, such as, ''I won't baby-sit
Mary Lou's children anymore, because I don't want to and she takes advantage of me in that area.''

Set boundaries, but make sure they're our boundaries. The things we're sick of, can't stand, and make threats about, may
be clues to some boundaries we need to set. They may also be clues to changes we need to make within ourselves. Mean
what we say, and say what we mean.

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People may get angry at us for setting boundaries; they can't use us anymore. They may try to help us feel guilty so we
will remove our boundary and return to the old system of letting them use or abuse you. Don't feel guilty and don't back
down. We can stick to our boundaries and enforce them. Be consistent. We will probably be tested more than once on
every boundary we set. People do that to see if we're serious, especially if we haven't meant what we said in the past. As
codependents, we have made many empty threats. We lose our credibility, then wonder why people don't take us
seriously. Tell people what our boundaries areonce, quietly, in peace. Watch our level of tolerance, so the pendulum
doesn't swing too far to either extreme.

Some codependents, particularly those of us in the latter stages of a relationship with an alcoholic, may find we have a
difficult time setting and enforcing limits with children, as well as with the troubled adults in our lives. Setting limits
takes time and thought; enforcing limits takes energy and consistency.

But boundaries are worth every bit of time, energy, and thought required to set and enforce them. Ultimately, they will
provide us with more time and energy.

What are our limits? What boundaries do we need to establish?

Physical Care

Sometimes in the latter stages of codependency, we codependents neglect our health and grooming. It's okay to look the
best we possibly can! We can get our hair styled or cut, for example. That's a normal part of living. We can dress in a
manner that helps us feel good about ourselves. Look in the mirror; if we don't like what we see, fix it. If we can't fix it,
we can stop hating ourselves and accept it.

Don't abandon the importance of exercise. If we're sick, go to a doctor. If we're overweight, figure out what we need to
do to take care of ourselves. The less we care for our bodies, the worse we will feel about ourselves. Sometimes, doing
little things can help us feel a lot better. Get in touch with the physical parts of us. Listen to them. Give them what