generate warm, loving feelings; no feeling; or cold, hostile feelings. We can say honest, tender, appreciative things, and
they can say those things back to us. We can lie, and people can lie back to us. We can talk about unimportant,
superficial stuff, and others can do the same. Or we can say nasty things, and they can respond in the same way. Most of
us do a little of all those things from time to time.
The idea is to strive for good relationships. If we don't have people to be honest, tender, loving, and appreciative with,
find some. If people say mean things to us, causing us to retaliate, stop retaliating and try to get the person to quit talking
that way. If we can't get this person to change, find someone else to talk to. We need to be treated nicely. It helps us
grow, and it feels good.
page_220Page 221Strive for good physical treatment too. We don't ever have to let people hit us. And we don't have to hit people. Hug
them instead. Or, if a hug isn't appropriate, touch them in gentle, loving ways that communicate positive energy. For
those who think hugging is a waste of time or an unnecessary activity indulged in by overly-sentimental people, read the
following excerpt from Fat Is a Family Affair and think again:
... In the early 1970s, doctors began studying a mechanism within the nervous system which produces a
morphine-like effect helping to alleviate pain and subduing trauma and shock.
These morphine-like substances are called endorphins and they are secreted to soothe pain, take the edge off, and
promote general well-being. Some research indicates that overeaters and alcoholics produce fewer of these
endorphins than normal people.... Since you produce fewer endorphins, you often feel on a raw edge. Eating
sugar increases endorphin production, so when you eat, the rawness vanishes....If anorexic, you get the same kind of soothing from the "high" of not eating. That exuberant feeling comes from
the endurance high of pushing yourself beyond your limits, much like the "runner's high"... there is an
alternative method to increased endorphin production.... It involves hugging. That's right, hugging. When you
turn to a fellow human being and you put your arms around one another, this starts the endorphins flowing and
the raw edges are removed by the warmth of a loving friend. Your dog is no dummy when he jumps up for a rub
on the chest or a pat on the head. He's getting his endorphins up and keeping himself mellow. 5Codependents also frequently have difficulties accepting complimentspositive strokes. We can stop fighting the fact that
we are good people with good qualities. If someone tells us something good about ourselves, we can accept it unless
instinct tells us the person has ulterior motives. Even if he or she is trying to manipulate us, take the compliment and
refuse to be manipulated. Let it go all the way down to the heart and
page_221Page 222let the warm glow come. We deserve compliments. We need them. We all need them. They help us believe what we are
working so hard to believe: we are good people. The beauty of compliments is, the more good things we believe about
ourselves, the better we get.
We can also pass out compliments and spread around some positive energy. We can share what we like about people and
say what we appreciate in them. Make it honest, but make it good.
We can learn to recognize when we need to give a stroke. Learn to recognize when we need to be around people and get
some strokes. Choose friends that can give us the good stuff. Sometimes codependents get involved with friends who see
them as victims, helpless people who can't take care of themselves. These friends give sympathy, which is probably
better than nothing, but it's not the same as strokes. Real love says, "You're having problems. I care, and I'll listen, but I
won't and can't do it for you." Real friendship says, "I think so highly of you that I'll let you figure out how to do it for
yourself. I know you can."
Trust