Codependents frequently aren't certain whom or when to trust. "Harvey's been in treatment for alcoholism two weeks.
He's lied to me 129 times. Now he's mad at me because I say I don't trust him. What should I do?"
I've repeatedly heard variations of this from codependents. My answer is usually the same: There's a difference between
trust and stupidity. Of course you don't trust Harvey. Quit trying to make yourself trust someone you don't trust.
Throughout the book I have repeated this phrase, and I will say it again: we can trust ourselves. We can trust ourselves to
make good decisions about whom to trust. Many of us have been making inappropriate decisions about trust. It is not
wise to trust an alcoholic to never drink again if that alcoholic has not received treatment for the disease of alcoholism. It
is not even wise to trust an alcoholic never to drink again if he or she has received treatmentthere are no guarantees on
human behav-
page_222Page 223ior. But we can trust people to be who they are. We can learn to see people clearly.
Figure out if people's words match their behaviors. Is what they say the same as what they do? As one woman puts it,
"He's looking real good, but he's not acting any better."
If we pay attention to ourselves and the messages we receive from the world, we will know whom to trust, when to trust,
and why to trust a particular person. We may discover we've always known whom to trustwe just weren't listening to
ourselves.
Sex
In one breath, a codependent will tell me her marriage is falling apart. In the next breath, she will ask if it's normal to
have sexual problems when things get that bad.
Yes, it's normal to have sexual problems. Many people have problems with sex. Many codependents experience sexual
problems. Alcoholism and the whole range of compulsive disorders attack all areas of intimacy. 6 Sometimes, the
physical expression of love is the last and final loss we sufferthe blow that tells us the problem won't go away, no matter
how long we close our eyes.
Sometimes the alcoholic has the problem. He becomes impotent, or she loses her sexual desire. This can happen both
before and after recovery. Frequently, it is the codependent who has problems with sex. There is a range of difficulties
that can be encountered in the bedroom. We may be unable to achieve orgasm, fear loss of control, or lack trust in our
partner. We may withdraw emotionally from our partner, be unwilling to be vulnerable with our partner, or lack desire
for our partner. We may feel revulsion toward our partner, or we don't get needs met because we're not asking to get
these needs met. The relationship probably isn't going to be much better in bed than it is outside the bedroom. If we're
caretaking in the kitchen, we'll probably be caretaking in the bedroom. If we're angry and hurt before we make love, we'll
probably feel angry and hurt after we make love. If we don't want to be in the relationship,
page_223Page 224we won't want to have sex with that person. The sexual relationship will echo and reflect the overall tone of the
relationship.
Sexual problems can sneak up on people. For a while, sex can be the salvation of a troubled relationship. Sex can be a
way of making up after an argument. Talking seems to clear the air, and sex makes it all better. After a certain point,
though, talking may no longer clear the air. Talking just fogs it up more, and sex stops making it better. Instead, sex can
make things worse.
For some, sex may become a purely clinical act that provides approximately the same emotional satisfaction as brushing
one's teeth. For others, it can become a time of humiliation and degradation: another chore, another duty, something else
we should do but don't want to. It becomes one more area that isn't working, that we feel guilty and ashamed about, that