we try to lie to ourselves about. We have one more area in our lives that causes us to wonder, "What's wrong with me?"
I am not a sex therapist. I have no cures or technical advicejust some common sense. I believe taking care of ourselves
means we apply the same principles in the bedroom as we do in any other area of our lives. First, we stop blaming and
hating ourselves.
Once we understand that, we get honest with ourselves. We stop running, hiding, and denying. We gently ask ourselves
what we are feeling and thinking, then we trust our answers. We respectfully listen to ourselves. We don't abuse and
punish ourselves. We understand the problem we are experiencing is a normal response to the system we have been
living in. Of course we're having that problemit's a normal part of the process. It would be abnormal to not feel revulsion,
withdrawal, lack of trust, or other negative feelings. There's nothing wrong with us.
After we have sorted things out, we get honest with our partner. We tell him or her what we are thinking and feeling, and
what we need from him or her. We explore possibilities, negotiating and compromising when appropriate. If we cannot
solve our problems by ourselves, we seek professional help.
Some of us may have sought comfort in extramarital affairs. We need to forgive ourselves and figure out what we need
to do to take care of
page_224Page 225ourselves. Take the Fourth and Fifth Steps; talk to a clergyperson. We can try to understand our actions were common
reactions to the problems we have been living with.
Some of us may be trying to run from our problems by having a series of unsatisfactory sexual relationships. That
frequently occurs during the denial stage, when compulsive behaviors tend to set in. We don't have to continue doing
that. We can face and solve our problems in other ways. We can forgive ourselves and quit hurting ourselves.
Some of us may be looking for love and coming up with sex instead. Understand what we need and figure out how to
best meet our needs.
Some of us may need to start asking for what we need. Others may need to learn to say no. Some of us may be trying to
force love back into a dead relationship by trying to force sexual enjoyment. That technique may not work. Sex isn't love;
it is sex. It doesn't make love exist if the love wasn't there to start with. Sex can only express the love that already exists.
Some of us may have given up and decided sex isn't that important. I happen to believe sex is important. It's not the most
important thing in life, but it's an important part of my life.
Sex is a powerful force, a great source for intimacy and for pleasure. We can take care of ourselves if our sex life isn't
working the way we would like it to. We are responsible for our sexual behaviorfor our enjoyment or lack of pleasure in
bed. We can ask ourselves, what are our sex lives telling us about our relationships?
page_225Page 22720
Learning to Live and Love Again
At least I don't run around actively seeking my own demise any more.
Al-Anon member
Originally I planned to separate the material in this chapter into two chapters: Learning to Live Again and Learning to
Love Again. However, I decided separately addressing living and loving was not the issue. The problem many
codependents encounter is learning to do both at the same time.