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According to Earnie Larsen and others, the two deepest desires most people have are: to love and be loved, and to
believe they are worthwhile and know someone else believes that also. 1 I have also heard this phrased more simply, with
one item added: To be happy we need someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to.

I am not going to split hairs over whether those desires are needs or wants. I think they're important. Whether we have
been aware of these desires or not, they probably have been driving forces in our lives. Most of us have been trying, on
some level of consciousness, to meet these needs. To protect ourselves, some of us may have blocked or shut off these
needs. They are still there, whether we acknowledge or repress them. Understanding ourselves and our desires is
powerful information. What we, as codependents, need to learn to do is fulfill these desires, needs, and wants in ways
that don't hurt ourselves or other people, in ways that allow maximum enjoyment of life.

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For many of us, that means we need to do things differently, because the ways we have gone about getting our needs met
haven't worked. We've talked about some concepts that will help us do that: detachment, a nonrescuing approach to
people, not controlling the object of our attention, directness, paying attention to ourselves, working a Twelve Step
program, and becoming undependent. I believe as we get healthier, love will be different. I believe love will be better,
perhaps better than ever before, if we let it and if we insist on it.

I don't think love has to hurt as much as it did in the past. I don't think we have to allow love to hurt us as much as it has.
We certainly don't have to let it destroy us. As one woman so aptly phrases it, ''I'm sick of being addicted to pain. I'm
sick of being addicted to suffering. And I'm sick of letting men work out their unfinished business in my life!'' It's not
God's will that we stay miserable and stay in miserable relationships. That's something we've been doing to ourselves.
We don't have to stay in relationships that cause us pain and misery. We are free to take care of ourselves.

We can learn to recognize the difference between relationships that do and don't work. We can learn to leave destructive
relationships and enjoy the good ones. We can learn new behaviors that will help our good relationships work better.

I believe God allows certain people to come into our lives. But I also believe we are responsible for our choices and
behaviors in initiating, maintaining, and discontinuing these relationships when appropriate. We may want and need love,
but we don't need destructive love. And when we believe that, our message will come across clearly.

I believe our professional lives can be different and better. We can learn to take care of ourselves and our needs on the
job. And if we are not so absorbed in other people and their business, if we believe we are important, we are free to set
our own goals and reach our dreams. We are able to capture a vision for our own lives. That's exciting because good
things can, do, and will happen to us if we allow those things to happen and if we are open to and believe we deserve
those things. The good things probably won't happen without some struggle and pain, but

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at least we will be struggling and stretching for something worthwhile, instead of simply suffering.

It's okay to succeed, to have good things, and to have loving relationships that work. These things may not come easily
or naturally. We may struggle and kick and want to hide our heads in the sand along the way. That's okay. That's how
growth feels. If it feels too comfortable, too natural, or too easy, we're not growing and we're not doing anything
different. We're doing the same things we always have, and that's why it feels so comfortable.

Learning to live and love again means finding a balance: learning to love and, at the same time, living our own lives;
learning to love without getting so emotionally entangled with the object of our affection; and learning to love others
without forfeiting love for ourselves. We need to learn to live, love, and have fun so each activity does not unreasonably
interfere with any of the others.

Much of recovery is finding and maintaining balance in all areas of our lives. We need to watch the scales so they do not
tip too far to either side as we measure our responsibilities to ourselves and to others. We need to balance our emotional
needs with our physical, mental, and spiritual needs. We need to balance giving and receiving; we need to find the