to mind? Why?
- You might find it helpful to buy a large notebook and record your responses to these activities. You can also write
down other thoughts and feelings you have as you read this book.
page_Page 313
Codependency
Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy racing back and forth between the partners. Some relationships are
the slow, dark dance of death. 1
Colette Dowling
Up to this point, I have been using the words codependent and codependency as lucid terms. However, the definitions of
these words remain vague.
The definition of chemical dependency means being dependent (psychologically and/or physically) on alcohol or other
drugs. Overeating and gambling are also words that bring specific ideas to mind. But what is codependency?
The obvious definition would be: being a partner in dependency. This definition is close to the truth but still unclear. It
brings no specific image to mind. Codependency is part of treatment center jargon, professional slang that's probably
unintelligible to people outside that profession and gibberish to some inside the trade.
Jargon may or may not mean anything in particular. Jargon may mean different things to different people. Or, people
may sense what a term means but not be able to clearly define it, because it's never been clearly defined.
Those are some of the problems I've encountered with researching and attempting to define codependency and
codependent. Many people haven't heard the terms. Others, who are familiar with the words, can't
page_Page 32define them. If they can, each definition is different. Or people define the words by using more jargon. To complicate
matters, I can't find the words in any dictionaries. My computer keeps tagging the words as misspelled, trying to
convince me they're not words.
Yet, codependency does mean something in particular, something particularly important to me and millions of people.
Let's get rid of the jargon and look at that meaning.
What's Codependency?
I have heard and read many definitions of codependency.
In an article from the book Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, Robert Subby wrote codependency is: "An emotional,
psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice
of, a set of oppressive rulesrules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal
and interpersonal problems." 2
Earnie Larsen, another codependency specialist and a pioneer in that field, defines codependency as: "Those self-
defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving
relationships."
Some less professional definitions follow.