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The word react is important here. However you approach codependency, however you define it, and from whatever frame
of reference you choose to diagnose and treat it, codependency is primarily a reactionary process. Codependents are
reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and
behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors. Many codependent reactions are reactions to
stress and uncertainty of living or growing up with alcoholism and other problems. It is normal to react to stress. It is not
necessarily abnormal, but it is heroic and lifesaving to learn how to not react and to act in more healthy ways. Most of
us, however, need help to learn to do that.

Perhaps one reason some professionals call codependency a disease is because many codependents are reacting to an
illness such as alcoholism.

Another reason codependency is called a disease is because it is progressive. As the people around us become sicker, we
may begin to react more intensely. What began as a little concern may trigger isolation, depression, emotional or physical
illness, or suicidal fantasies. One thing leads to another, and things get worse. Codependency may not be an illness, but it
can make you sick. And, it can help the people around you stay sick.

Another reason codependency is called a disease is because codependent behaviorslike many self-destructive
behaviorsbecome habitual. We repeat habits without thinking. Habits take on a life of their own. 10

Whatever problem the other person has, codependency involves a habitual system of thinking, feeling, and behaving
toward ourselves and others that can cause us pain. Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive. We frequently
react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves. These habits can lead us into,
or keep us in, destructive relationships, relationships that don't work. These behaviors can sabotage relationships that may
otherwise

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have worked. These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our
livesourselves. These behaviors belong to the only person each of us can controlthe only person we can changeourselves.
These are our problems. In the next chapter, we will examine these behaviors.

Activity

1. How would you define codependency?
   2. Do you know anybody who has significantly affected your life, somebody whom you worry about and wish you could
   change? Who? Write several paragraphs about that person and your relationship. Later, read what you wrote. What are
   your feelings?

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4

Codependent Characteristics

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
The Serenity Prayer

Although two codependents might disagree on the definition of codependency, if they discuss the issues with each other,
each will probably sense what the other person means. They will share ideas about things they have in commonthings
they do, think, feel, and saythat are characteristic of codependency. It is on these pointssymptoms, problems, coping