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mechanisms, or reactionsthat most definitions and recovery programs overlap and agree. These points dictate recovery.
They are the things we need to recognize, accept, live with, deal with, struggle through, and frequently change.

Before I list the things codependents tend to do, however, I will make an important point: Having these problems does
not mean we're bad, defective, or inferior. Some of us learned these behaviors as children. Other people learned them
later in life. We may have learned some of these things from our interpretation of religion. Some women were taught
these behaviors were desirable feminine attributes. Wherever we learned to do these things, most of us learned our
lessons well.

Most of us started doing these things out of necessity to protect ourselves and meet our needs. We performed, felt, and
thought these things

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to surviveemotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically. We tried to understand and cope with our complex worlds in
the best ways. It is not always easy to live with normal, healthy people. It is particularly difficult to live with sick,
disturbed, or troubled people. It is horrible having to live with a raving alcoholic. Many of us have been trying to cope
with outrageous circumstances, and these efforts have been both admirable and heroic. We have done the best we could.

However, these self-protective devices may have outgrown their usefulness. Sometimes, the things we do to protect
ourselves turn on us and hurt us. They become self-destructive. Many codependents are barely surviving, and most aren't
getting their needs met. As counselor Scott Egleston says, codependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn't get
needs met. We've been doing the wrong things for the right reasons.

Can we change? Can we learn healthier behaviors? I don't know if mental, spiritual, and emotional health can be taught,
but we can be inspired and encouraged. We can learn to do things differently. We can change. I think most people want
to be healthy and live the best lives they can. But many of us don't know it's okay to do things differently. Many of us
don't even understand what we've been doing that hasn't been working. Most of us have been so busy responding to other
people's problems that we haven't had time to identify, much less take care of, our own problems.

Many professionals say the first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. 1 With that in mind,
let's examine the characteristics of codependency. These characteristics have been compiled from my entire bibliography
and from my personal and professional experience.

Caretaking

Codependents may:

· think and feel responsible for other peoplefor other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-

being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.

· feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.

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· feel compelledalmost forcedto help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire

series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.

· feel angry when their help isn't effective.

· anticipate other people's needs.

· wonder why others don't do the same for them.

· find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they don't really want to be doing, doing more than their

fair share of the work, and doing things other people are capable of doing for themselves.