of problems. We may stay so busy reacting we never have the time or energy to identify the real problem, much less
figure out how to solve it. We can spend years reacting to each drinking incident and resulting crisis, completely failing
to recognize that the true problem is alcoholism! Learn to stop reacting in ways that aren't necessary and don't work.
Eliminate the reactions that hurt you.
Some suggestions follow to help you detach from people and your destructive reactions to them. These are only
suggestions. There is no precise formula for detachment. You need to find your own way, a way that works for you.
page_72Page 73- Learn to recognize when you're reacting, when you are allowing someone or something to yank your strings. Usually
when you start to feel anxious, afraid, indignant, outraged, rejected, sorry for yourself, ashamed, worried, or confused,
something in your environment has snagged you. (I'm not saying it's wrong to feel these feelings. Probably anybody
would feel that way. The difference is, we're learning to decide how long we want to feel that way, and what we want to
do about it.) Using the words "he or it or she made me feel" often indicates we are reacting. Losing our sense of peace
and serenity is probably the strongest indication that we are caught up in some sort of reaction. - Make yourself comfortable. When you recognize that you're in the midst of a chaotic reaction, say or do as little as
possible until you can restore your level of serenity and peace. Do whatever you need to do (that is not self- or other-
destructive) to help yourself relax. Take a few deep breaths. Go for a walk. Clean the kitchen. Go sit in the bathroom. Go
to a friend's house. Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Read a meditation book. Take a trip to Florida. Watch a television
program. Find a way to emotionally, mentally, and (if necessary) physically separate yourself from whatever you are
reacting to. Find a way to ease your anxiety. Don't take a drink or drive the car down a side street at 85 miles per hour.
Do something safe that will help restore your balance. - Examine what happened. If it's a minor incident, you may be able to sort through it yourself. If the problem is serious,
or is seriously upsetting you, you may want to discuss it with a friend to help clear your thoughts and emotions. Troubles
and feelings go wild when we try to keep them caged inside. Talk about your feelings. Take responsibility for them. Feel
whatever feeling you have. Nobody made you feel. Someone might have helped you feel a particular way, but you did
your feeling all by yourself. Deal with it. Then, tell yourself the truth about what happened. 1 Was someone trying to
sock it to you? (If in doubt about whether to interpret something as an insult or rejection, I prefer to believe it had
nothing to do with me. It saves my time and helps me feel good about myself.) Were you trying to control someone or
some event? How serious
page_73Page 74is the problem or issue? Are you taking responsibility for someone else? Are you angry because someone didn't guess
what you really wanted or what you were really trying to say? Are you taking someone's behavior too personally? Did
someone push your insecurity or guilt buttons? Is it truly the end of the world, or is it merely sad and disappointing?
- Figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. Make your decisions based on reality, and make them from a
peaceful state. Do you need to apologize? Do you want to let it go? Do you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with
someone? Do you need to make some other decision to take care of yourself? When you make your decision keep in
mind what your responsibilities are. You are not responsible for making other people ''see the light," and you do not need
to "set them straight." You are responsible for helping yourself see the light and for setting yourself straight. If you can't
get peaceful about a decision, let it go. It's not time to make it yet. Wait until your mind is consistent and your emotions
are calm.
Slow down. You don't have to feel so frightened. You don't have to feel so frantic. Keep things in perspective. Make life
easier for you.
Activity
- Are you spending too much time reacting to someone or something in your environment? Who or what? How are you
reacting? Is that how you would choose to behave or feel if you had a choice?