cover

We control because we don't think.

We control because controlling is all we can think about.

Ultimately we may control because that's the way we've always done things.

Tyrannical and dominating, some rule with an iron hand from a self-appointed throne. They are powerful. They know
best. And by God, it will be done this way. They will see to it.

Others do their dirty work undercover. They hide behind a costume of sweetness and niceties, and secretly go about their
businessOTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS.

Others, sighing and crying, claim inability, proclaim their dependence, announce their overall victimization, and
successfully control through weakness. They are so helpless. They need your cooperation so badly. They can't live
without it. Sometimes the weak are the most powerful manipulators and controllers. 1 They have learned to tug at the
guilt and pity strings of the world.

page_76

Page 77

Many codependents combine tactics, using a variety of methods. Whatever works! (Or, more accurately, whatever
doesn't work although we continue to hope it will.)

Despite tactics, the goals remain the same. Make other people do what you want them to. Make them behave as you think
they should. Don't let them behave in ways you think they shouldn't, but probably would, without your "assistance." Force
life's events to unravel and unfold in the manner and at such times as you have designated. Do not let what's happening,
or what might happen, occur. Hold on tightly and don't let go. We have written the play, and we will see to it that the
actors behave and the scenes unfold exactly as we have decided they should. Never mind that we continue to buck
reality. If we charge ahead insistently enough, we can (we believe) stop the flow of life, transform people, and change
things to our liking.

We are fooling ourselves.

Let me tell you about Maria. She married a man who turned out to be an alcoholic. He was a binge drinker. He didn't
drink every day, every weekend, or every month, but when he didlook out. He stayed drunk for days, sometimes weeks.
He started drinking at eight in the morning and drank until he passed out. He vomited all over, devastated the family's
finances, got fired from jobs, and created unbearable chaos each time he drank. Between binges life was not perfect
either. A sense of impending doom and unresolved feelings filled the air. Other unresolved problems, residues from the
drinking, cluttered their lives. They could never get ahead of the disasters. They were always starting over with a dirty
slate. But, it was better for Maria and her three childrenwhen her husband wasn't drinking. There was hope, too, that this
time it would be different.

It never was different. For years, each time Maria turned around or turned her back, her husband went on a binge. When
she went away for a weekend, when she went to the hospital to deliver her babies, when her husband left town on a trip,
or when he was out of her sight for any reasonhe drank.

Whenever Maria returned or retrieved him from wherever he was drinking, he would abruptly quit drinking. Maria
decided that the key

page_77

Page 78

to her husband's sobriety was her presence. She could control the drinking (and all the pain it caused) by sticking close to
home and standing guard over her husband. Because she learned this method of control, and because of increasing
feelings of shame, embarrassment, anxiety, and the overall trauma that accompanies codependency, Maria became a
recluse. She turned down opportunities to travel, and she refused to attend church conferences she was interested in.
Even leaving the house for more than a trip to the grocery store began to threaten the balance she had createdor thought