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she had created. In spite of her determined and desperate efforts, her husband still found opportunities to drink. He found
ways to drink at home without her knowing about it, and he drank when she had no choice but to spend the night away
from home.

After one particularly disruptive drinking bout, Maria's husband informed her that the impossible financial predicament
they were in caused him to drink. (He neglected to mention that his drinking had caused the impossible financial
predicament.) He said if she would take a job and help out financially, he would not feel like he had to drink any more.
The pressure would be off. Maria thought about his request, then reluctantly agreed. She was afraid to leave home and
felt concerned about setting up appropriate baby-sitting arrangements for the children. She did not feel emotionally or
mentally able to work. She especially resented taking a job to earn extra money when her husband was so irresponsible
with money. But it was worth a try. Anything to keep this man sober!

Before long Maria located a job as a legal secretary. She did wellbetter than she thought she would. Codependents make
great employees. They don't complain; they do more than their share; they do whatever is asked of them; they please
people; and they try to do their work perfectlyat least for a while, until they become angry and resentful.

Maria started feeling a little better about herself. She enjoyed her contact with peoplesomething that had been missing in
her life. She liked the feeling of earning her own money (although she still resented her husband's irresponsibility with
it). And her employers appreciated her. They gave her increasing amounts of responsibility and were on the verge of
promoting her to a paralegal position. But about that time Maria

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began to feel that old familiar anxious feelingher cue that her husband was about to drink again.

The feeling came and went for days. Then one day, it hit hard. That handwringing, gut-twisting anxiety came back in full
force. Maria started calling her husband on the phone. He was not at work where he was supposed to be. His employer
didn't know where he was. She made more phone calls. Nobody knew where he was. She spent the day biting her nails,
making frantic phone calls, and hoping her fellow employees wouldn't see through her" everything's fineno problem"
veneer. When she arrived home that evening she discovered that her husband was not at home and had not picked up the
children from day care as he was supposed to. Things were out of control again. He was drinking again. The next
morning she quit her jobwalked out with no appropriate notice. By 10:00 A.M., she was back in her houseguarding her
husband.

Years later she said, "I felt like I had to do this. I had to get things under controlMY CONTROL."

My question is this: Who's controlling whom?

Maria learned she was not controlling her husband or his drinking at all. He and his alcoholism were controlling her.

This point was further clarified for me one evening during a family group facilitation I had at a treatment center. (Many
of my clients are wisewiser than I am. I have learned much by listening to them.) During the group, the wife of an
alcoholic talked openly to her husbanda man who had spent many years of their marriage drinking, unemployed, and in
prison.

"You accuse me of trying to control you, and I guess I have," she said. "I've gone to bars with you so you wouldn't drink
so much. I've let you come home when you were abusive and drunk so you wouldn't drink anymore or hurt yourself. I've
measured your drinks, drank with you (and I hate drinking), hid your bottles, and taken you to Alcoholics Anonymous
meetings.

"But the truth is," she said, "you've been controlling me. All those letters from prison telling me what I've wanted to
hear. All those prom-

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ises, all those words. And every time I'm ready to leave youto walk out for goodyou do or say just the right thing to keep