me from leaving. You know just what I want to hear, and that's what you tell me. But you never change. You've never
intended to change. You just want to control me."
He smiled a half-smile and nodded when she said that. "Yes," he said, "I have been trying to control you. And I've been
doing a pretty good job of it at that."
When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled. We forfeit our
power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. We frequently lose control of ourselves. Often, we are
being controlled not just by people but by diseases such as alcoholism, eating disorders, and compulsive gambling.
Alcoholism and other destructive disorders are powerful forces. Never forget that alcoholics and other troubled persons
are expert controllers. We have met our match when we attempt to control them or their disease. We lose the battles. We
lose the wars. We lose our selvesour lives. Borrowing a tidbit from Al-Anon: You didn't cause it; you can't control it;
and you can't cure it.
So stop trying! We become utterly frustrated when we try to do the impossible. And we usually prevent the possible from
happening. I believe that clutching tightly to a person or thing, or forcing my will on any given situation eliminates the
possibility of my Higher Power doing anything constructive about that situation, the person, or me. My controlling blocks
God's power. It blocks other people's ability to grow. It stops events from happening naturally. It prevents me from
enjoying people or events.
Control is an illusion. It doesn't work. We cannot control alcoholism. We cannot control anyone's compulsive
behaviorsovereating, sexual, gamblingor any of their behaviors. We cannot (and have no business trying to) control
anyone's emotions, mind, or choices. We cannot control the outcome of events. We cannot control life. Some of us can
barely control ourselves.
People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what
they want to think; they
page_80Page 81do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn't matter if
they're wrong and we're right. It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if
they'd only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER, DOESN'T MATTER,
DOESN'T MATTER.
We cannot change people. Any attempts to control them are a delusion as well as an illusion. People will either resist our
efforts or redouble their efforts to prove we can't control them. They may temporarily adapt to our demands, but the
moment we turn our backs they will return to their natural state. Furthermore, people will punish us for making them do
something they don't want to do, or be something they don't want to be. No amount of control will effect a permanent or
desirable change in another person. We can sometimes do things that increase the probability that people will want to
change, but we can't even guarantee or control that.
And that's the truth. It's too bad. It's sometimes hard to accept, especially if someone you love is hurting him- or herself
and you. But that's the way it is. The only person you can now or ever change is yourself. The only person that it is your
business to control is yourself.
Detach. Surrender. Sometimes when we do that the result we have been waiting and hoping for happens quickly, almost
miraculously. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it never happens. But you will benefit. You don't have to stop caring or
loving. You don't have to tolerate abuse. You don't have to abandon constructive, problem-solving methods such as
professional intervention. You only need to put your emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical hands back in your own
pockets and leave things and people alone. Let them be. Make any decisions you need to make to take care of yourself,
but don't make them to control other people. Start taking care of yourself!
''But this is so important to me," many people protest. "I can't detach."
If it's that important to you, I suggest that is all the more reason to detach.