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I heard some wisdom on detachment out of the mouths of babesmy babies. Sometimes, my youngest son, Shane, hangs
on too tightly and too long after a hug. He starts tipping me over. I lose my balance, and become impatient for him to
stop hugging me. I begin to resist him. Perhaps he does it to keep me close to him a little longer. Maybe it's a form of
control over me. I don't know. One night when he did this my daughter watched until even she became frustrated and
impatient.

"Shane," she said, "there comes a time to let go."

For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all that you
can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and
your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free.

Activity

1. Is there an event or person in your life that you are trying to control? Why? Write a few paragraphs about it.


2. In what ways (mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.) are you being controlled by whatever or whomever you are
   attempting to control?


3. What would happen (to you and the other person) if you detached from this situation or person? Will that probably
   happen anyway, in spite of your controlling gestures? How are you benefitting by attempting to control the situation?
   How is the other person benefitting by your attempts to control? How effective are your attempts at controlling the
   outcomes of events?

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8

Remove the Victim

We're so careful to see that no one gets hurt. No one, that is, but ourselves.
Al-Anon member

About a year into my recovery from codependency, I realized I was still doing something over and over that caused me
pain. I sensed this pattern had something to do with why many of my relationships went sour. But I didn't know what "it"
was that I was doing, so I couldn't stop doing it.

One sunny day, as I was walking down the sidewalk with my friend Scott, I stopped, turned to him, and asked, "What is
the one thing codependents do over and over? What is it that keeps us feeling so bad?"

He thought about my question for a moment before answering. "Codependents are caretakersrescuers. They rescue, then
they persecute, then they end up victimized. Study the Karpman Drama Triangle," he said. The Karpman Drama Triangle
and the accompanying roles of rescuer, persecutor, and victim, are the work and observation of Stephen B. Karpman. 1

What he said didn't make sense, but I went home, dragged out some therapy books that were collecting dust on my
shelves, and studied.2 After a while, a light went on inside my head. I saw. I understood. And I felt like I had discovered
fire.

This was it. This was my pattern. This is our pattern. This is what we repeatedly do with friends, family, acquaintances,
clients, or anybody

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