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Caretaking doesn't help; it causes problems. When we take care of people and do things we don't want to do, we ignore
personal needs, wants, and feelings. We put ourselves aside. Sometimes, we get so busy taking care of people that we put
our entire lives on hold. Many caretakers are harried and overcommitted; they enjoy none of their activities. Caretakers
look so responsible, but we aren't. We don't assume responsibility for our highest responsibilityourselves.

We consistently give more than we receive, then feel abused and neglected because of it. We wonder why, when we
anticipate the needs of others, no one notices our needs. We may become seriously depressed as a result of not getting
our needs met. Yet, a good caretaker feels safest when giving; we feel guilty and uncomfortable when someone gives to
us or when we do something to meet our needs. Sometimes, codependents may become so locked into a caretaker role
that we feel dismayed and

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rejected when we can't caretake or rescue someonewhen someone refuses to be "helped."

The worst aspect of caretaking is we become and stay victims. I believe many serious self-destructive behaviorschemical
abuse, eating disorders, sexual disordersare developed through this victim role. As victims, we attract perpetrators. We
believe we need someone to take care of us, because we feel helpless. Some caretakers will ultimately present ourselves
to somebody or some institution, needing to be taken care of mentally, physically, financially, or emotionally.

Why, you might ask, would apparently rational people do this rescuing? Many reasons. Most of us aren't even aware of
what we're doing. Most of us truly believe we're helping. Some of us believe we have to rescue. We have confused ideas
about what constitutes help and what doesn't. Many of us are convinced that rescuing is a charitable deed. We may even
think it cruel and heartless to do something as cold-blooded as allowing a person to work through or face a legitimate
feeling, suffer a consequence, be disappointed by hearing "no," be asked to respond to our needs and wants, and
generally be held responsible and accountable for him- or herself in this world. Never mind that they will certainly pay a
price for our "helping"a price that will be as harsh as or more severe than any feeling they may be facing.

Many of us do not understand what we are responsible for and what we are not responsible for. We may believe we have
to get into a tizzy when someone has a problem because it is our responsibility to do that. Sometimes, we become sick of
feeling responsible for so much that we reject all responsibility and become totally irresponsible.

However, at the heart of most rescues is a demon: low self-worth. We rescue because we don't feel good about ourselves.
Although the feelings are transient and artificial, caretaking provides us with a temporary hit of good feelings, self-
worth, and power. Just as a drink helps an alcoholic momentarily feel better, a rescue move momentarily distracts us
from the pain of being who we are. We don't feel lovable, so we settle for being needed. We don't feel good about
ourselves, so we feel compelled to do a particular thing to prove how good we are.

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We rescue because we don't feel good about other people either. Sometimes with justification, sometimes without, we
decide other people simply cannot be held responsible for themselves. Although this may appear to be true, it simply is
not a fact. Unless a person has brain damage, a serious physical impairment, or is an infant, that person can be
responsible for him- or herself.

Sometimes we rescue because it's easier than dealing with the discomfort and awkwardness of facing other people's
unsolved problems. We haven't learned to say, ''It's too bad you're having that problem. What do you need from me?"
We've learned to say, "Here. Let me do that for you."

Some of us learned to be caretakers when we were children. Perhaps we were almost forced to as a result of living with
an alcoholic parent or some other family problem. Some of us may have started caretaking later in life, as a result of
being in a committed relationship with an alcoholic or other person who refused and appeared unable to take care of him
or herself. We decided to copeto survivethe best way we could, by picking up the slack and assuming other people's
responsibilities.