Many codependents have been taught other ways to be caretakers. Maybe someone taught us these lies, and we believed
them: don't be selfish, always be kind and help people, never hurt other people's feelings because we "make them feel,"
never say no, and don't mention personal wants and needs because it's not polite.
We may have been taught to be responsible for other people but not responsible for ourselves. Some women were taught
that good, desirable wives and mothers were caretakers. Caretaking was expected and required of them. It was their duty.
Some men believe good husbands and fathers are caretakerssuperheroes responsible for meeting every need of each
family member.
Sometimes a state resembling codependency sets in when a person is taking care of infants or young children. Taking
care of infants requires a person to forfeit his or her needs, to do things he or she doesn't want to do, to squelch his or her
feelings and desires (4 A.M. feedings usually only meet the needs of the person being fed), and to assume total respon-
page_91Page 92sibility for another human being. Taking care of children is not rescuing. That is an actual responsibility and is not the
kind of caretaking I'm talking about. But if that person doesn't take care of him- or herself, he or she may begin to feel
the codependent blues.
Others may have interpreted religious beliefs as a mandate to caretake. Be cheerful givers, we are told. Go the extra mile.
Love our neighbors, and we try. We try so hard. We try too hard. And then we wonder what's wrong with us because our
Christian beliefs aren't working. Our lives aren't working either.
Christian beliefs work just fine. Your life can work just fine. It's rescuing that doesn't work. "It's like trying to catch
butterflies with a broomstick," observed a friend. Rescuing leaves us bewildered and befuddled every time. It's a self-
destructive reaction, another way codependents attach themselves to people and become detached from themselves. It's
another way we attempt to control, but instead become controlled by people. Caretaking is an unhealthy parent-child
relationshipsometimes between two consenting adults, sometimes between an adult and a child.
Caretaking breeds anger. Caretakers become angry parents, angry friends, angry lovers. We may become unsatisfied,
frustrated, and confused Christians. The people we help either are or they become helpless, angry victims. Caretakers
become victims.
Most of us have heard the Biblical parable about Mary and Martha. While Mary sat and talked with Jesus and His
friends, Martha cleaned and cooked. Before long, the story goes, Martha started banging pans, accusing Mary of being
lazy. Martha complained that she had to do everything while Mary relaxed and enjoyed herself. Does this sound
familiar? Jesus didn't let this one go by. He told Martha to hush. Mary knows what's important, He said. Mary made the
right decision.
His message might be that Mary made the right choice because it's more important to enjoy people than it is to cook and
clean. But I also believe there's a message here about taking responsibility for our choices, doing what we want to be
doing, and realizing how we become angry
page_92Page 93when we don't. Maybe Mary's choice was right because she acted as she wanted to. Jesus helped many people, but He
was honest and straightforward about it. He didn't persecute people after He helped them. And He asked them what they
wanted from Him. Sometimes He asked why, too. He held people responsible for their behavior.
I think caretaking perverts Biblical messages about giving, loving, and helping. Nowhere in the Bible are we instructed to
do something for someone, then scratch his or her eyes out. Nowhere are we told to walk the extra mile with someone,
and then grab the person's cane and beat him or her with it. Caring about people and giving are good, desirable
qualitiessomething we need to dobut many codependents have misinterpreted the suggestions to "give until it hurts." We
continue giving long after it hurts, usually until we are doubled over in pain. It's good to give some away, but we don't
have to give it all away. It's okay to keep some for ourselves.