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I believe God wants us to help people and share our time, talents, and money. But I also believe He wants us to give
from a position of high self-esteem. I believe acts of kindness are not kind unless we feel good about ourselves, what we
are doing, and the person we are doing it for. I think God is in each of us and speaks to each of us. If we absolutely can't
feel good about something we're doing, then we shouldn't do itno matter how charitable it seems. We also shouldn't do
things for others that they ought to and are capable of doing for themselves. Other people aren't helpless. Neither are we.

"God told us to lose our lives. He told us to give to people," says the Reverend Daniel Johns, Senior Pastor at Trinity
Lutheran Church in Stillwater, Minnesota. "But I don't think He ever intended people to use the Scriptures to behave in
unhealthy ways."

Giving to and doing things for and with people are essential parts of healthy living and healthy relationships. But
learning when not to give, when not to give in, and when not to do things for and with people are also essential parts of
healthy living and healthy relationships. It is not good to take care of people who take advantage of us to avoid responsi-

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bility. It hurts them, and it hurts us. There is a thin line between helping and hurting people, between beneficial giving
and destructive giving. We can learn to make that distinction.

Caretaking is an act and an attitude. For some of us, it becomes a role, an approach to our entire lives and to all the
people around us. Caretaking is, I believe, closely associated with martyrdom (a state codependents are frequently
accused of being in), and people-pleasing (another accusation hurled at us). Martyrs, according to Earnie Larsen, ''screw
things up." We need to keep sacrificing our happiness as well as others' for the good of some unknown cause that doesn't
demand sacrifice. People-pleasers, according to Earnie Larsen, can't be trusted. We lie. And as caretakers, we don't take
care of ourselves.

The most exciting thing about caretaking is learning to understand what it is and when we are doing it, so we can stop
doing it.

We can learn to recognize a rescue. Refuse to rescue. Refuse to let people rescue us. Take responsibility for ourselves,
and let others do the same. Whether we change our attitudes, our circumstances, our behaviors, or our minds, the kindest
thing we can do is remove the victimsourselves.

Activity

1. This assignment may take some time, but if caretaking is causing your problems, it may be a breakthrough experience
   for you. On a sheet of paper, detail all the things you consider your responsibilities. Do this for your participation at
   work, with children, with friends, and with your spouse or lover. Now, list detail by detail what responsibilities belong to
   the other people in your life. If any responsibilities are shared, list what percentage you think is appropriate for each
   person. For instance, if your spouse is working and you have chosen to be a homemaker and work part-time, list what
   percentage of the financial responsibilities you assume, and what percentage of the household chores he or she assumes.
   You may be surprised at how much inappropriate responsibility you have taken on and how little you have allowed
   others to assume. You may

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also find you have been so busy with other people's business that you have been neglecting some of your true

responsibilities.

Become familiar with the Karpman Drama Triangle and how you go through the process in your life. When you find

yourself rescuing, watch for the role and mood shifts. When you catch yourself feeling resentful or used, figure out

how you rescued. Practice non-rescuing behaviors: Say no when you want to say no. Do things you want to do. Refuse

to guess what people want and need; instead insist that others ask you directly for what they want and need from you.

Begin asking directly for what you want and need. Refuse to assume other people's responsibilities. When you initially

stop taking care of people who are used to having you take care of them, they may become angry or frustrated. You've