cover

changed the system, rocked the boat. It means more work for them, and they can't use you anymore. Explain to them

what you are doing, and allow them to be responsible for their feelings. They may thank you for it later. They may

even surprise yousometimes the people we thought least able to take care of themselves can, when we stop taking care

of them.

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9

Undependence

"What is it about me?" she asked. "Do I need a dead body laying in my bed in order to feel good about myself?"
Alice B., a codependent who has been married to two alcoholics

"I'm real independentas long as I'm in a relationship," announced a policewoman who has been involved with several
emotionally troubled men.

"My husband has been lying on the couch drunk and hasn't brought home a paycheck in ten years," said another woman,
the director of a large human services organization. "Who needs this?" she asked. "I must,'' she said, answering her own
question. ''But why? And for what?"

A woman who had recently joined Al-Anon called me one afternoon. This married woman worked part-time as a
registered nurse, had assumed all the responsibility for raising her two children, and did all the household chores,
including repairs and finances. "I want to separate from my husband," she sobbed. "I can't stand him or his abuse any
longer. But tell me, please tell me," she asked, "do you think I can take care of myself?"

The words vary, but the thought is the same. "I'm not happy living with this person, but I don't think I can live without
him (or her). I cannot, for some reason, find it within myself to face the aloneness that every human being must face or
continue to run from: that of being ultimately and solely responsible for taking care of myself. I don't believe I can take

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care of myself. I'm not sure I want to. I need a person, any person, to buffer the shock of my solitary condition. No
matter what the cost."

Colette Dowling wrote about this thought pattern in The Cinderella Complex. Penelope Russianoff discussed it in Why
Do I Think I'm Nothing Without a Man? I've said it many times.

Whether codependents appear fragile and helpless, or sturdy and powerful, most of us are frightened, needy, vulnerable
children who are aching and desperate to be loved and cared for.

This child in us believes we are unlovable and will never find the comfort we are seeking; sometimes this vulnerable
child becomes too desperate. People have abandoned us, emotionally and physically. People have rejected us. People
have abused us, let us down. People have never been there for us; they have not seen, heard, or responded to our needs.
We may come to believe that people will never be there for us. For many of us, even God seems to have gone away.

We have been there for so many people. Most of us desperately want someone to finally be there for us. We need
someone, anyone, to rescue us from the stark loneliness, alienation, and pain. We want some of the good stuff, and the
good stuff is not in us. Pain is in us. We feel so helpless and uncertain. Others look so powerful and assured. We
conclude the magic must be in them.

So we become dependent on them. We can become dependent on lovers, spouses, friends, parents, or our children. We
become dependent on their approval. We become dependent on their presence. We become dependent on their need for
us. We become dependent on their love, even though we believe we will never receive their love; we believe we are
unlovable and nobody has ever loved us in a way that met our needs.