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draining relationshipthese signs of helplessness are characteristic of women who are psychologically dependent. 5

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we feel so uncertain and vulnerable that we can't go about the business of
living our lives? Why, when we have proved we are so strong and capable by the sheer fact that many of us have
endured and survived what we have, can't we believe in ourselves? Why, when we are experts at taking care of
everybody around us, do we doubt our ability to take care of ourselves? What is it about us?

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Many of us learned these things because when we were children, someone very important to us was unable to give us the
love, approval, and emotional security we needed. So we've gone about our lives the best way we could, still looking
vaguely or desperately for something we never got. Some of us are still beating our heads against the cement trying to
get this love from people who, like Mother or Father, are unable to give what we need. The cycle repeats itself until it is
interrupted and stopped. It's called unfinished business.

Maybe we've been taught to not trust ourselves. This happens when we have a feeling and we're told it's wrong or
inappropriate. Or when we confront a lie or an inconsistency and we're told we're crazy. We lose faith in that deep,
important part of ourselves that feels appropriate feelings, senses truth, and has confidence in its ability to handle life's
situations. Pretty soon, we may believe what we are told about ourselvesthat we're off, a tad crazy, not to be trusted. We
look at the people around us sometimes sick, troubled, out of control peopleand we think, "They're okay. They must be.
They told me so. So it must be me. There must be something fundamentally wrong with me." We abandon ourselves and
lose faith in our ability to take care of ourselves.

Some women were taught to be dependent. They learned to center their lives around other people and to be taken care of.
Even since the women's liberation movement, many women, deep inside, fear being alone. 6 Many people, not just
women, fear being alone and taking care of themselves. It is part of being human.

Some of us may have entered an adult relationship with our emotional security intact, only to discover we were in a
relationship with an alcoholic. Nothing will destroy emotional security more quickly than loving someone who is
alcoholic or has any other compulsive disorder. These diseases demand us to center our lives around them. Confusion,
chaos, and despair reign. Even the healthiest of us may begin to doubt ourselves after living with an alcoholic. Needs go
unmet. Love disappears. The needs become greater and so does the self-doubt. Alcoholism creates emotionally insecure
people. Alcoholism creates victims of us-

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drinkers and nondrinkers, alikeand we doubt our ability to take care of ourselves.

If we have decided, for whatever reason, that we can't take care of ourselves, I have good news. The theme of this book is
encouragement to begin taking care of ourselves. The purpose of this chapter is to say we can take care of ourselves. We
are not helpless. Being ourselves and being responsible for ourselves do not have to be so painful and scary. We can
handle things, whatever life brings our way. We don't have to be so dependent on the people around us. Unlike Siamese
twins, we can live without any particular human being. As one woman put it: "For years, I kept telling myself I couldn't
live without a particular man. I was wrong. I've had four husbands. They're all dead, and I'm still living." Knowing we
can live without someone does not mean we have to live without that person, but it may free us to love and live in ways
that work.

Now, let me give what I shall call the "rest" of the news. There is no magic, easy, overnight way to become undependent.

Emotional security and our present level of insecurity are penetrating issues that we must keep in mind as we make our
decisions. Sometimes we become financially as well as emotionally dependent on a person, and we are then faced with
two real concernstwo concerns that may or may not be connected. 7 Neither issue is to be taken lightly; each demands
consideration. My words or our hopes will not diminish the reality of these facts. If we are financially or emotionally
dependent, that is a fact, and facts need to be accepted and taken into account. But I believe we can strive to become less
dependent. And I know we can become undependent, if we want to.