night. She didn't cause any serious problems. She seemed to be looking for something, trying to fill her empty hours. The
child did not want to stay in her house alone when it got dark. The loneliness was too frightening. When the mother
finally returned, the neighbors approached her and complained about this child running all over, unsupervised. The
mother became angry, and started yelling at the child for her misbehavior. "I told you to stay in the house while I was
gone. I told you to not cause problems, didn't I?" the mother screamed. The child offered no retort, didn't even cry. She
just stood there with downcast eyes and quietly said, "I think I have a stomachache."
Don't pound on that vulnerable child when he or she doesn't want to stay in the dark all alone, when he or she becomes
frightened. We don't have to let the child make our choices for us, but don't ignore the child either. Listen to the child.
Let the child cry if he or she needs to. Comfort the child. Figure out what he or she needs.
page_106Page 107- Stop looking for happiness in other people. Our source of happiness and well-being is not inside others; it's inside us.
Learn to center ourselves in ourselves.
Stop centering and focusing on other people. Settle down with and in ourselves. Stop seeking so much approval and
validation from others. We don't need the approval of everyone and anyone. We only need our approval. We have all the
same sources for happiness and making choices inside us that others do. Find and develop our own internal supply of
peace, wellbeing, and self-esteem. Relationships help, but they cannot be our source. Develop personal cores of
emotional security with ourselves.
- We can learn to depend on ourselves. Maybe other people haven't been therefor us, but we can start being therefor us.
Stop abandoning ourselves, our needs, our wants, our feelings, our lives, and everything that comprises us. Make a
commitment to always be there for ourselves. We can trust ourselves. We can handle and cope with the events, problems,
and feelings life throws our way. We can trust our feelings and our judgments. We can solve our problems. We can learn
to live with our unsolved problems, too. We must trust the people we are learning to depend uponourselves.
- We can depend on God, too. He's there, and He cares. Our spiritual beliefs can provide us with a strong sense of
emotional security.
Let me illustrate this idea. One night, when I lived in a rough neighborhood, I had to walk down the alley behind my
house to get to my car. I asked my husband to watch from a window on the second floor to make sure nothing happened
to me. He agreed. As I walked across the backyard, away from the security of my home and into the blackness of the
night, I began to feel afraid. I turned around and saw my husband in the window. He was watching; he was there.
Immediately, the fear left, and I felt comforted and safe. It occurred to me that I believe in God, and I can find the same
feelings of comfort and security in knowing that He is always watching over my life. I strive to look to this security.
Some codependents begin to believe God has abandoned us. We have had so much pain. So many needs have gone
unmet, sometimes for
page_107Page 108so long that we may cry out, ''Where has God gone? Why has He gone away? Why has He let this happen? Why won't
He help? Why has He abandoned me?''
God hasn't abandoned us. We abandoned ourselves. He's there, and He cares. But He expects us to cooperate by caring
for ourselves.
- Strive for undependence. Begin examining the ways we are dependent, emotionally and financially, on the people
around us.
Start taking care of ourselves whether we are in relationships that we intend to continue, or whether we are in
relationships we are trying to get out of. In The Cinderella Complex, Colette Dowling suggested doing this with an
attitude of "courageous vulnerability." 8 That means: You feel scared, but you do it anyway.