Activity
- How do you feel about yourself? Write about it. Include the things you like or don't like about yourself. Reread what
you have written.
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Learn the Art of Acceptance
I'd like to make a motion that we face reality.
Bob Newhart, from the Bob Newhart Show
Accepting reality is touted and encouraged by most sane people. It is the goal of many therapies, as well it should be.
Facing and coming to terms with what is is a beneficial act. Acceptance brings peace. It is frequently the turning point for
change. It is also much easier said than done.
People, not just codependents, are faced daily with the prospect of either accepting or rejecting the reality of that
particular day and present circumstances. We have many things to accept in the course of normal living from the
moment we open our eyes in the morning until we close them at night. Our present circumstances include who we are,
where we live, who we live with or without, where we work, our method of transportation, how much money we have,
what our responsibilities are, what we shall do for fun, and any problems that arise. Some days, accepting these
circumstances is a breeze. It comes naturally. Our hair behaves, our kids behave, the boss is reasonable, the money's
right, the house is clean, the car works, and we like our spouse or lover. We know what to expect, and what we expect is
acceptable. It's okay. Other days might not go so well. The brakes go out on the car, the roof leaks, the kids sass, we
break an arm, we lose our job, or our spouse or lover says he or she doesn't love us any more. Something has happened.
We have a problem. Things are different. Things are changing. We're losing something. Our present circumstances are no
longer as comfortable as they were. Circumstances
page_129Page 130have been altered, and we have a new situation to accept. We may initially respond by denying or resisting the change,
problem, or loss. We want things to be the way they were. We want the problem to be quickly solved. We want to be
comfortable again. We want to know what to expect. We are not peaceful with reality. It feels awkward. We have
temporarily lost our balance.
Codependents never know what to expect, particularly if we are in a close relationship with an alcoholic, a drug addict, a
criminal, a gambler, or any other person with a serious problem or compulsive disorder. We are bombarded by problems,
losses, and change. We endure shattered windows, missed appointments, broken promises, and outright lies. We lose
financial security, emotional security, faith in the people we love, faith in God, and faith in ourselves. We may lose our
physical well-being, our material goods, our ability to enjoy sex, our reputation, our social life, our career, our self-
control, our self-esteem, and ourselves.
Some of us lose respect for and trust in the people we love. Sometimes we even lose our love for and our commitment to
a person we once loved. This is common. It is a natural, normal consequence of the disease. The booklet, A Guide for the
Family of the Alcoholic discusses this:
''Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice. Love must also have compassion which means to bear with or to
suffer with a person. Compassion does not mean to suffer because of the injustice of a person. Yet injustice is often
suffered repeatedly by families of alcoholics.'' 1
Even though this injustice is common, it makes it no less painful. Betrayal can be overwhelming when someone we love
does things that deeply hurt us.