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person or a chemically dependent person may be in many stages of the grief process for several losses, all during the
same time. Denial, depression, bargaining, and anger may all come rushing in. We may not know what we're trying to
accept. We may not even know we're struggling to accept a situation. We may simply feel like we've gone crazy.

We haven't. Become familiar with this process. The entire process may take place in thirty seconds for a minor loss; it
may last years or a lifetime when the loss is significant. Because this is a model, we may not go through the stages
exactly as I have outlined them. We may travel back and forth: from anger to denial, from denial to bargaining, from
bargaining back to denial. Regardless of the speed and route we travel through these stages, we must travel through them.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross says it is not only a normal process, it is a necessary process, and each stage is necessary. We
must ward off the blows of life with denial until we are

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better prepared to deal with them. We must feel anger and blame until we have gotten them out of our system. We must
try to negotiate, and we must cry. We don't necessarily have to let the stages dictate our behaviors, but each of us, for
our well-being and ultimate acceptance, needs to spend individually appropriate time in each stage. Judi Hollis quoted
Fritz Perls, the father of Gestalt therapy, in this manner: "The only way out is through." 12

We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace
and in our own way. And only we and God can determine that timing.

"Healthy are those who mourn," writes Donald L. Anderson, a minister and psychologist, in Better Than Blessed. "Only
very recently have we begun to realize that to deny grief is to deny a natural human function and that such denial
sometimes produces dire consequences," he continues. "Grief, like any genuine emotion, is accompanied by certain
physical changes and the release of a form of psychic energy. If that energy is not expended in the normal process of
grieving, it becomes destructive within the person.... Even physical illness can be a penalty for unresolved grief....
Any event, any awareness that contains a sense of loss for you can, and should, be mourned. This doesn't mean a life of
incessant sadness. It means being willing to admit to an honest feeling rather than always having to laugh off the pain. It's
not only permissible to admit the sadness that accompanies any lossit's the healthy option." 13

We can give ourselves permission to go through this process when we face loss and change, even minor losses and
changes. Be gentle with ourselves. This is a draining, exhausting process. It can deplete our energy and throw us off
balance. Watch how we pass through the stages and feel what we need to feel. Talk to people, people who are safe and
will provide the comfort, support, and understanding we need. Talk it out; talk it through. One thing that helps me is
thanking God for the lossfor my present circumstancesregardless of how I feel or what I think about them. Another thing
that helps many people is the Serenity Prayer. We don't have to act or behave inappropriately, but we need to go through
this. Other people do too. Understanding this process helps

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us be more supportive to other people, and it gives us the power to decide how we will behave and what to do to take
care of ourselves when we go through it.

Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.

Activity

1. Are you or is someone in your life going through this grief process for a major loss? Which stage do you think you or
   that person is in?


2. Review your life and consider the major losses and changes you have gone through. Recall your experiences with the
   grief process. Write about your feelings as you remember them.

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