play. We still don't judge ourselves for having the feeling. We decide what, if anything, we want to do about the feeling
and the accompanying thought. We evaluate
page_146Page 147the situation, then choose a behavior in line with our moral code and our new ideal of self-care. Is there a problem we
need to solve? Is our thinking off base? We may need to correct certain disaster-oriented thought patterns, such as: "I
feel horribly afraid and sad because the car broke down, and it's the end of the world." It would be more accurate to say:
"I feel sad that the car is broken." Is the problem something we can solve? Does it concern another person? Is it necessary
or appropriate to discuss the feeling with that person? If so, when? Perhaps it is sufficient to merely feel the emotion and
acknowledge the thought. If you are in doubt about what action to take, if the feeling is particularly strong, or if the
action you decide to take is radical, I suggest waiting a day or so, until you are peaceful and your mind is consistent. In
other words: detach.
Our feelings don't need to control us. Just because we're angry, we don't have to scream and hit. Just because we're sad or
depressed, we don't have to lie in bed all day. Just because we're scared, doesn't mean we don't apply for that job. I am
not in any way implying or suggesting we allow our emotions to control our behaviors. In fact, what I am saying is the
opposite: if we don't feel our feelings and deal with them responsibly, they will control us. If we are dealing with our
emotions responsibly, we submit them to our intellect, our reason, and our moral and behavioral code of ethics. 5
Responding appropriately to our feelings also means we are liable for our feelings. Each person's feelings are his or her
own. Nobody makes anyone feel; no one is ultimately responsible for our feelings except us, no matter how much we
insist they are. People might help us feel, but they don't make us feel. People also cannot change the way we feel. Only
we can do that. Furthermore, we are not responsible for anyone else's feelings, although we are responsible for choosing
to be considerate of people's feelings. Responsible people choose to do that, at times. However, most codependents
choose to overdo that. We need to be considerate of our feelings, too. Our feelings are reactions to life's circumstances.
Thus, etiquette requires that when you discuss a feeling with someone, you say, "I feel such and such when you do such
and such because... " not "You made me feel... ." 6
page_147Page 148However, we may want to make another decision about how to deal with our feelings. This is especially true if we are
consistently reacting to someone's behavior with a great deal of emotional distress, and even after reporting this distress
to the person he or she continues causing us pain. Maybe you don't need that much help to feel. Remember, feelings are
indicators and motivators. Watch for patterns in our feelings. They tell us a great deal about ourselves and our
relationships.
Sometimes, dealing with feelings means a change of thinking is needed. Many therapies acknowledge a direct correlation
between what we think and what we feel. 7 There is a connection. What we think influences how we feel. Sometimes
inaccurate, overreactive, or inappropriate thought patterns cause our emotions or cause them to remain longer than
necessary. If we think something is awful, will never get better, and just shouldn't be, our feelings will be intense. I call
this disaster thinking. That's why it is important, after we feel our emotions, to examine our thinking. Get it out in the
light. If it's inappropriate, then we know what we have to do to solve our problem, don't we?
There are times when we may need to discuss our feelings and thoughts with other people. It is not healthy to live our
lives in isolation. Sharing the emotional part of us with others creates closeness and intimacy. Also, being accepted by
someone else for being who we are helps us accept ourselves. This is always a marvelous experience. Sometimes, we
may want to discuss things with a friend who will just listen, while we air things and try to figure out what's going on.
Things we lock inside can get too big and too powerful. Letting them out in the air makes them smaller. We gain
perspective. It's always fun to share the pleasant feelings too: the joys, the successes, the "tickled-pinks." And if we want
an intimate relationship with someone, we need to discuss our persistent feelings with him or her. It's called emotional
honesty.
Caution: intense happy feelings can be as distracting and scary as intense sad feelings, especially to codependents who
are not used to happy feelings, according to Scott Egleston. Many codependents believe happy feelings must always be