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skills. We carefully choose our words to manipulate, people please, control, cover up, and alleviate guilt. Our
communication reeks of repressed feelings, repressed thoughts, ulterior motives, low self-worth, and shame. We laugh
when we want to cry, we say we're fine when we're not. We allow ourselves to be bullied and buried. We sometimes
react inappropriately. We justify, rationalize, compensate, and take others all around the block. We are nonassertive. We
badger and threaten, then back down. Sometimes we lie. Frequently, we are hostile. We apologize a lot, and hint at what
we want and need.

Codependents are indirect. We don't say what we mean, we don't mean what we say. 2

We don't do it on purpose. We do it because we've learned to communicate this way. At some point, either in our
childhood or adult family, we learned it was wrong to talk about problems, express feelings, and express opinions. We've
learned it was wrong to directly state what we want and need. It was certainly wrong to say no, and stand up for
ourselves. An alcoholic parent or spouse will be glad to teach these rules; we have been too willing to learn and accept
them.

As John Powell asks in the title of his excellent book on communication: Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? Why
are we afraid to tell people who we are? Each of us must answer that question. Powell says it's because who we are is all
we've got, and we're afraid of being rejected.3 Some of us may be afraid because we're not sure who we are and what we
want to say. Many of us have been inhibited and controlled by one or more of the family rules I discussed earlier in this
chapter. Some of us have had to follow these rules to protect ourselves, to survive. However, I believe most of us are
afraid to tell people who we are because we don't believe it is okay to be who we are.

Many of us don't like and don't trust ourselves. We don't trust our thoughts. We don't trust our feelings. We think our
opinions stink. We don't think we have the right to say no. We're not sure what we want and need; if we do know, we
feel guilty about having wants and needs and we're surely not going to be up front about them. We may feel ashamed for
having our problems. Many of us don't even trust our ability to

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accurately identify problems, and we're more than willing to back down if somebody else insists the problem isn't there.

Communication is not mystical. The words we speak reflect who we are: what we think, judge, feel, value, honor, love,
hate, fear, desire, hope for, believe in, and commit to. 4 If we think we're inappropriate to life our communication will
reflect this: We will judge others as having all the answers; feel angry, hurt, scared, guilty, needy, and controlled by other
people. We will desire to control others, value pleasing others at any cost, and fear disapproval and abandonment. We
will hope for everything but believe we deserve and will get nothing unless we force things to happen, and remain
committed to being responsible for other people's feelings and behavior. We're congested with negative feelings and
thoughts.

No wonder we have communication problems.

Talking clearly and openly is not difficult. In fact, it's easy. And fun. Start by knowing that who we are is okay. Our
feelings and thoughts are okay. Our opinions count. It's okay to talk about our problems. And it's okay to say no.

We can say nowhenever we want to. It's easy. Say it right now. Ten times. See how easy that was? By the way, other
people can say no, too. It makes it easier if we've got equal rights. Whenever our answer is no, start our response with the
word no, instead of saying, "I don't think so," or "Maybe," or some other wavering phrase. 5

Say what we mean, and mean what we say. If we don't know what we mean, be quiet and think about it. If our answer is,
"I don't know," say "I don't know." Learn to be concise. Stop taking people all around the block. Get to the point and
when we make it, stop.

Talk about our problems. We're not being disloyal to anyone by revealing who we are and what kinds of problems we're
working on. All we're doing is pretending by not being who we are. Share secrets with trusted friends who won't use