disorder, because this is a book on codependency and that's what codependency is about. I am going to refer specifically
to the Al-Anon program, because that is one program I "work." (I will discuss that little piece of jargon, "working a
program," later.) However, with a bit of creativity on your part, the information I present can be applied to any of the
Twelve Step programs.
The Twelve Steps
The Twelve Steps are at the heart of the Twelve Step programs. The Steps, in their basic forms (following in italics),
belong to various programs. But all of the programs adapted their Steps from those of Alcoholics Anonymous.
The interpretations following the Steps are my personal opinions and are not related to, endorsed by, or affiliated with
any Twelve Step pro-
page_186Page 187gram. The programs also have Traditions, which guard the purity of the programs to ensure that they continue to operate
effectively. The Eleventh Tradition in the Al-Anon program says, "Our public relations policy is based on attraction
rather than promotion... ." 1 Please understand I am not promoting this program or any program. I am just saying what I
think, and I happen to think highly of the Twelve Steps.
- We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable. This is an important Step. It
must be taken first. That is why it is the First Step. Much of our struggle to accept whatever it is we must accepta loved
one's alcoholism or eating problem, for example, brings us to this door. My denial, my bargains, my efforts to control,
my rescuing, my anger, my hurt, my grief propelled me to this place. Not once, but twice in my lifetime, I had tried to do
the impossible. I tried to control alcohol. I had battled with alcohol in my own drinking and using days; I went to war
again with alcohol when people I loved were using and abusing it. Both times, I lost. When will I learn to quit fighting
lions? Both times, alcohol gained control of meonce directly, through my own imbibing; the second time, indirectly,
through another person's use of the substance. It didn't matter, though, how it had gained control. It had. My thoughts,
emotions, behaviorsmy lifewere regulated and directed by alcohol and its effects on another person's life. People were
controlling me, but those people were being controlled by alcohol. Once the light was turned on, it wasn't difficult to see
who was boss. The bottle was. Once I saw that, I could easily see my life had become unmanageable. Indeed, it had.
Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, behaviorally, I was out of control. My relationships with people were unmanageable.
My career was unmanageable. I couldn't even keep my house clean.
If this Step sounds like giving up, that's because it is. It is where we surrender to the truth. We are powerless over
alcohol. We are powerless over the disease of alcoholism. We are powerless over another person's drinking and the
effects of alcoholism in his or her life. We are powerless over peoplewhat they do, say, think, feel, or don't do, say, think,
or feel. We have been trying to do the impossible. At this point we understand this and make a rational decision to quit
trying to do what we
page_187Page 188cannot ever do, no matter how hard we try. At this point we turn our eyes to ourselvesto the ways we have been affected,
to our characteristics, to our pain. It sounds hopeless and defeatist, but it isn't. It is acceptance of what is. We can't
change things we can't control, and trying to do that will make us crazy. This Step is appropriately humbling. It is also
the bridge to the Second Step. For with our admission of powerlessness over that which we are truly powerless over, we
receive the power which is appropriately oursour own power to change ourselves and live our lives. When we quit trying
to do the impossible, we are allowed to do the possible.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. If the First Step left us despairing, this
Step will bring hope. I did not doubt for a minute that I was crazy, once I stopped comparing myself to the crazy people
around me. The way I had been living was insane; the way I had not been living my life was insane. I needed to believe I
could become sane. I needed to believe the pain I felt could somehow be lessened. Listening to, talking with, and
actually seeing people who had been as upset as I was, and seeing they had found peace in circumstances sometimes