Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

you want a conversation to go, you have to design the
questions that will ease the conversation in that direction
while letting the other guy think it’s his choice to take you
there.
That’s why I refer to these questions as calibrated
questions. You have to calibrate them carefully, just like
you would calibrate a gun sight or a measuring scale, to
target a specific problem.
The good news is that there are rules for that.
First off, calibrated questions avoid verbs or words like
“can,” “is,” “are,” “do,” or “does.” These are closed-ended
questions that can be answered with a simple “yes” or a
“no.” Instead, they start with a list of words people know as
reporter’s questions: “who,” “what,” “when,” “where,”
“why,” and “how.” Those words inspire your counterpart to
think and then speak expansively.
But let me cut the list even further: it’s best to start with
“what,” “how,” and sometimes “why.” Nothing else.
“Who,” “when,” and “where” will often just get your
counterpart to share a fact without thinking. And “why” can
backfire. Regardless of what language the word “why” is
translated into, it’s accusatory. There are very rare moments
when this is to your advantage.
The only time you can use “why” successfully is when
the defensiveness that is created supports the change you
are trying to get them to see. “Why would you ever change
from the way you’ve always done things and try my
approach?” is an example. “Why would your company ever