Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

you hope to accomplish by leaving?”).
Like I said before, the secret to gaining the upper hand
in a negotiation is giving the other side the illusion of
control. That’s why calibrated questions are ingenious:
Calibrated questions make your counterpart feel like they’re
in charge, but it’s really you who are framing the
conversation. Your counterpart will have no idea how
constrained they are by your questions.
Once I was negotiating with one of my FBI bosses about
attending a Harvard executive program. He had already
approved the expenditure for the travel, but on the day
before I was supposed to leave he called me into his office
and began to question the validity of the trip.
I knew him well enough to know that he was trying to
show me that he was in charge. So after we talked for a
while, I looked at him and asked, “When you originally
approved this trip, what did you have in mind?”
He visibly relaxed as he sat back in his chair and
brought the top of his fingers and thumbs together in the
shape of a steeple. Generally this is a body language that
means the person feels superior and in charge.
“Listen,” he said, “just make sure you brief everyone
when you get back.”
That question, calibrated to acknowledge his power and
nudge him toward explaining himself, gave him the illusion
of control.
And it got me just what I wanted.