to their lack of power by either becoming extremely
defensive or lashing out.
Neurologically, in situations like this the fight-or-flight
mechanism in the reptilian brain or the emotions in the
limbic system overwhelm the rational part of our mind, the
neocortex, leading us to overreact in an impulsive,
instinctive way.
In a negotiation, like in the one between my client and
the CEO, this always produces a negative outcome. So we
have to train our neocortex to override the emotions from
the other two brains.
That means biting your tongue and learning how to
mindfully change your state to something more positive.
And it means lowering the hostage mentality in your
counterpart by asking a question or even offering an
apology. (“You’re right. That was a bit harsh.”)
If you were able to take an armed kidnapper who’d been
surrounded by police and hook him up to a cardiac monitor,
you’d find that every calibrated question and apology would
lower his heart rate just a little bit. And that’s how you get to
a dynamic where solutions can be found.
KEY LESSONS
Who has control in a conversation, the guy listening or the
guy talking?
The listener, of course.
That’s because the talker is revealing information while
the listener, if he’s trained well, is directing the conversation