“WHY” QUESTIONS
Back in Chapter 7, I talked about the problems with “Why?”
Across our planet and around the universe, “Why?” makes
people defensive.
As an experiment, the next time your boss wants
something done ask him or her “Why?” and watch what
happens. Then try it with a peer, a subordinate, and a friend.
Observe their reactions and tell me if you don’t find some
level of defensiveness across the spectrum. Don’t do this too
much, though, or you’ll lose your job and all your friends.
The only time I say, “Why did you do that?” in a
negotiation is when I want to knock someone back. It’s an
iffy technique, though, and I wouldn’t advocate it.
There is, however, another way to use “Why?”
effectively. The idea is to employ the defensiveness the
question triggers to get your counterpart to defend your
position.
I know it sounds weird, but it works. The basic format
goes like this: When you want to flip a dubious counterpart
to your side, ask them, “Why would you do that?” but in a
way that the “that” favors you. Let me explain. If you are
working to lure a client away from a competitor, you might
say, “Why would you ever do business with me? Why
would you ever change from your existing supplier?
They’re great!”
In these questions, the “Why?” coaxes your counterpart
into working for you.
“I” MESSAGES